Who in the Hell is still Wearing Jock Straps?

I was in the locker room at the gym yesterday and as I turned to go into the small area which housed my particular locker, I was shocked to see a near-naked, fat man clad in nothing other than a jock strap. As horrifying a sight as that was, it raised a very serious and thought-provoking question: Who in the mcmutherfuck still wears a jock strap? Didn’t those go extinct around 1987 or so? I’ll tell you who still wears a jock strap: Crazy assed summabitches, that’s who. The last person I actually knew personally that wore a jock strap was my friend Bill from high school. 60 guys on the football team, he’s the only one in a jock strap. He also led an Ohio Division I (That is the biggest division, in one of the biggest football states in the country) conference in tackles as a 5’9″, 170lb middle linebacker. Now Bill sprints through kicked-in doors in the Peshawar region with special forces teams and screams at the Jihadists in their native tongue. And it doesn’t matter what their native tongue is, because Bill speaks all of them. The point of this story-within-the-pointless-story is that Bill isn’t what you’d call plain vanilla. And he is the last dude I knew on a personal level wearing a jock strap. They are small and uncomfortable. And as every man who has played sports knows, your chances of receiving a blinding pain nutsack injury increase exponentially when you are wearing a jock strap and a cup. The only person who should ever wear one are baseball catchers and hockey goalies. And maybe lacrosse goalies as well. Basically if your main function is to repeatedly stop a small, hard object launched at you at 80-200mph, then yes, strap one on. But I don’t see too many baseball, hockey or lacrosse games breaking off inside of XSport Fitness. I know enough to give such a person a VERY wide berth. So I cowered in an adjoining cubby until this dinosaur had fully clothed and vacated the premises. Modern science has given us numerous comfortable and highly superior products for family jewel security such as compression shorts, active briefs, and nearly all athletic shorts manufactured with some sort of support insert such as brief or boxer brief. So why, other than to prove some sort of point to no one, would you ever choose a jock strap which leaves your ass cheeks exposed like you’re some goddamn gay cowboy in the porn movie “Brokebutt Mountain VII: The Revenge of Billy McButtfuck”??? You are either insane, or you’ve been in a coma since 1971 and think that jock straps are still standard issue for 6th grade gym class. Either way, please stay home when you are wearing a jock strap and play “light sabers” or “Harry Potter” with your imaginary friends and leave us normals at the gym the fuck alone.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to Who in the Hell is still Wearing Jock Straps?

  1. squirrelgirl says:

    um……jockstraps are actually pretty handy if your a girl…..they hold toys in place quite nicely….just sayin'.

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