We’re Taking this Pig Global

That’s right bitches, What Sucks Now is headed over to the World Wide Web (located in a bunker somewhere on Al Gore’s property) in the very near future.  Only problem, some dick hole already owns www.whatsucksnow.com.  And yes I could buy it.  However, it appears it is some Internet squatter scumbag, and honestly I don’t want to pay such slime, thus vindicating what they do, even if it is only $100.  So this presents a conundrum.  To be honest, I was never thrilled with the title “What Sucks Now”.  It was hastily named because I was creating the blog, and it said “What is the title?”.  Well asshole, I hadn’t gotten that far.  And on that day, I was so pissed off about that stupid publicity whore Abby Sunderland and her scum family, that I just said “God, she sucks!” and bada bing, bada boom, there’s your name.  And for all you Internet historians out there, “Abby Sunderland Sucks” is Blog 1 in the annals of WSN.  So I’m considering a total overhaul here.  That is where readership comes into play.  Anyone with a rad idea, use the little Comment button and make a suggestion.  And when I start making $5.00 per year off of this site, I’ll give you $0.00 of it.  Deal?  Done.  Obviously there have to be a few guidelines:

It can’t be complicated.  So while www.adamsapplecheckeratabangkokwhorehouse.com is both creative and fucking hilarious, it is a bit too much work. 

Obviously I don’t have a clean mouth.  But it has to be clean(ish).  People don’t want www.gofuckyourselfasshole.com showing up in the Google search history on their company’s computer.  Totally lame, but I guess that is business for you. 

Anybody that responds with anything with the word “midget” in it is banned for life.  Persona non gratis.  You are an Un-Person, ala Lenin when he found out Trotsky had betrayed him. 

Unfortunately www.bigdickdaddyfromcincinnati.com is already taken.  Yes, I checked.  And whoever scooped that one up….savvy move kemosabe. 

My first name is in play.  My last name is not.  I don’t want any respectable members of my family to be sullied by such nonsense.  I don’t need my little brother to be 4/5 of the way through the interview process only to have the employer ask “Are you related to this asshole?”

I’ve considered a Conan the Barbarian related theme, such as www.cromscorner.com, www.valorpleasescrom.com or www.riddleofsteel.com.  And I think those are viable.  My only concern is that the site become heavily trafficked by comic book nerds who quickly click away the first time there is a reference to sex or drinking a beer. 

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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6 Responses to We’re Taking this Pig Global

  1. Anonymous says:

    Personally, I like riddleofsteel.com. There is always zdongreadalong.com or zoeyscollegefund.com if you don't go the Conan route.

  2. JP, they want $1,700 for http://www.riddleofsteel.com. Biggest bullshit in China dude. I love zdongreadalong.

  3. SJC says:

    How about….

    Just a few thoughts

  4. Anonymous says:

    Rest assured Crom is fucking furious that some asshole domain name reseller is holding riddleofsteel.com. He sent me a text stating “This will not stand. This aggression will not stand, man.”

  5. Zach Giles says:

    Sass, brilliant ideas all the way around. If I could get a picture of the tattoo as the backdrop of the site, all the better.

    JP-I have buddies who died face down in the mud so you and I could enjoy this domain name.

  6. Anonymous says:

    http://www.shitcromsays.com is available as of this morning. I would anticipate a desirable URL such as this gets snapped up with the quickness…

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