Well, the Planet’s Fucked, No Biggie

I’m going to do my very best to keep the preachy as fuckedness of this post to an absolute minimum. The United Nations report on climate change, 2014 edition, which is set to officially drop in the next couple of weeks, is arguably the biggest game-changer since Snoop Dogg’s “Doggystyle” in 1993. The New York Times reported the pertinent details from an advance copy prior to finalization and official release. Suffice it to say we’ve reached the point where we can no longer pretend that our drunken lout of a son is just working through some post-college malaise and will rise from the desert like a phoenix shortly and become the CEO of a fortune 500. He is 41, black-out drunk at your annual Christmas party, lives in your basement, hasn’t worked in 6 years, has a dust ring around one nostril, has been working on his “hit screenplay” for 11 years, and just grabbed your neighbor’s 19 year old daughter below the belt….in the front. There is no more sticking your head in the proverbial sand and hoping for the best. A fundamental shift in what we as humans consider “success” will need to occur, and rather quickly, or quite simply put some day in the no longer distant future we’ll all die of asphyxia. Sure, maybe we’ll find a way to inhabit another planet ala “Total Recall”, but probably not. Feel free to read for yourself at http://www.ipcc.ch/ but I warn that you are about to have a “just woke up morning after party you don’t remember butt naked next to a Haitian prostitute with a pet monkey and a needle habit, and no condom packaging in sight” level panic attack if you do. I’ll summarize: All the shit they spooked us with back in the early to mid-90′s that might happen in hundreds if not thousands of years so who gives a fuck because no one we ever know will have to deal with it……is happening. And the heavy, stenching, foulest shit will be at our doorsteps in the 2050-2100 range. As in my daughters’ children will be greatly affected. People I will hopefully get to meet some day. Sea-level equatorial nations, fucked city. Deserts where there used to not be deserts. Mega storms with increasing frequency. Finally the dreaded runaway greenhouse where we all just quit breathing. If you don’t care about some of this occurring to your near-term descendents, then you are quite simply a fucking prick. Of epic proportions. Republican legislators for example. The legislators I can handle because they are in bed with big oil and big oil is incongruous with fighting climate change. Support green initiatives and you don’t get voted back into office. Easily understood. It is their fucktard, braindead rank-and-filers who are most puzzling. They make no money from big oil yet still regurgitate the talking heads and their brain-washing arguments regarding the climate change “myth”. Get your head out of your fucking ass you WASPy shitheel. You run a business office which means you are smart enough to understand that just because this past winter was one of the coldest on record in the upper Midwest, does not negate the fact that this past January was the hottest in recorded history on planet earth (it was). If you don’t give a shit about a fundamentally altered way of life for your grandchildren and their children, then you are an even bigger raging asshole than I previously thought, and that was a high bar to begin.

What is the answer? I’m no scientist and don’t have even one good harebrained idea to float by you. Something involving big space helmets maybe? I wish I had something but I got my Economics degree from the College of Arts and Sciences, which means I can draw you pretty graphs about things that should happen, ceteris parabis (a nifty little Econ term borrowed from Latin meaning “all things being equal”, e.g. occurring in a vacuum, which cannot in reality happen, rendering all my graphs no more than pretty little still life paintings), but I don’t have any real scientific thought for you. I’m also pretty fucking far from being a model citizen as pertains to environmental responsibility. What I do have is a small, not even close to all-encompassing list of ideas which are on the “not much sweat off your balls” end of the pain-in-the-ass spectrum. Without further adieu, here goes:

Stop voting for the GOP. Just stop it. Am I saying Vote Democrat? Absolutely not. I myself stopped voting Democrat 4 years ago and I can’t envision going back without a sea change in the party’s on-field effort versus campaign trail bullshit rhetoric. In fact I am becoming increasingly frustrated and scared that the current administration is turning America into Oceania. Back to the point, you aren’t voting for small government, state’s rights, and fiscal responsibility anymore when you vote GOP. You just aren’t. In fact it has been a long ass fucking time since a vote for the GOP was a vote for those olde tymey principles you think you’re voting for. The party has devolved into old white anger that hates everything black, is xenophobic apparently thinking their own ancestors sprouted from the United States earth somehow through hard work and abhorring charity, seemingly wants every have-not in the country to die of starvation in the street as they smugly say “you should have worked harder”, and denies science in the face of staggering evidence. The overwhelming majority of Republicans are good, intelligent people. However the growing fascism evident at each and every national convention doesn’t represent you in any way, shape or form. Research people who have a history of actually changing things rather than someone who slips you a roofie at the bar and promises to be a “change” from all those other guys who have fucked you over. (I think it is time for the rational population within the Republican Party to break off and start their own thing independent of whatever the party has become at the national level) Again, I’m not at all fond of the Democratic Party either, but at least they aren’t openly shouting down science like they’re protesting outside the fucking Scopes Trial.

When you shower, turn off the water while you suds. Get wet, turn off the water, lather up your hot zones of armpits, ass crack, and crotch (I advise full body but I’m not here to be the shower police), then shampoo your hair. Turn the water on and rinse off. Turn the water off. Put conditioner on your head (yes I still do this despite being bald, but that is a story for another day), lather up your face, blindly feel around for the handle, turn it back on and rinse off. I did it this morning and it barely sucks at all.

Unless you are in an Ebola hot zone or traveling anywhere else which has liquid bowels in every tap-filled glass, for the love of Crom stop buying water bottles.

If you still leave your sink faucet running while you actually brush your teeth, instead of just to rinse off the brush, then you are a hopeless asshole and should join ISIS. Seriously stop reading and go run over kittens with your lawn mower, you prick.

If available start frequenting a local farmers market. The food is fresher and requires far less fossil fuels to get it into your belly. Yes, it costs more. But guess what, it has far more nutrients than the shit you buy at the store, so you don’t have to eat as much. It all comes out in the wash, except that you’ll be a little healthier and there will be less shit in the air.

Again, if available in your area, find a butcher who sources locally from farmers that pasture and grass feed their cows. Cows eat grass, always have. I’m not an evolutionary historian, but I doubt there are any records of cows shucking, then eating corn off the cob. Much the same as humans, cows, like any other animal who has eaten one way for 99.9% of their species existence on earth, when suddenly fed corn and corn derivatives, shit gets fucked. Large scale cattle farming is Cryptonite to the environment.

Same goes with salmon; at no point did they ever leap from the banks of rivers and harvest corn. Don’t eat farmed fish. Finding real deal wild caught fish is a bitch, but worth it.

Reuse shit, if you can. Grocery bags for example. Use old toothbrushes to clean small places. If you took vegetables or a dry sandwich to work or school, you can reuse that Ziploc bag. Do NOT reuse condoms or tampons.

Lastly, and this is where as a habitual line-stepper I go from losing a friend or two over this to losing several; stop driving your cars to your air-conditioned, heated church every Sunday. Your God has no interest in stopping climate change and in fact He/She seems to be in cahoots with those who like to renounce climate change. Instead of consuming resources to worship the megalomaniac, get the whole fam damily out for a long walk. Mom, dad, kids, Fido, Nanna, Papa, whoever makes up your little clan, get out and worship nature for a few hours. At the end go to a park and have a picnic, stop in to the local pub and mingle with your neighbors over a pint, stare at clouds, whatever. Of course the pastor might have to give up his Cadillac over the loss of business, but he’ll survive.

And in the end it appears as though my first promise has been unkempt. Preachy as fuck. I can live with it considering what we all are staring in the tits in the coming century. Since Total Recall, I like everyone else who saw it, has been fascinated with the chick with three tits. But not fascinated enough to go trough all this to meet her.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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