Two Words, When Used Together, Guaranteed to Creep Women Out

Moist Panties. Utter that phrase together and you will undoubtedly send shivers up the spine of the woman you are talking to. When used alone, no big deal: The grass is moist from the dew; Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Neither of those sentences would illicit a response from anyone. But put them together for a show-stopper such as: “I bet you have extremely moist panties right now”. Boom, Creeped. The fuck. Out. Give it a try sometime. Saying something extremely offensive like “Cunt” is fine, but really you are just going to piss them off and cause them to shout at you. My friend Gerald once began a sentence with a group member in college with “Listen you fucking cunt…..”. Sure that was offensive. She got pissed and yelled and it escalated from there. But if you say “I bet this [insert something] makes your panties sooooo moist”, that conversation is over. I would venture to say the relationship–whatever its nature–is terminated as well.

If you use the phrase “moist panties” in conversation with a woman, and she’s into it, then all bets are off. Anything from her letting your college lacrosse team run a train on her, all the way up to her stabbing you to death during sex and drinking your blood, are in play.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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4 Responses to Two Words, When Used Together, Guaranteed to Creep Women Out

  1. Anonymous says:

    Ha – “Gerald”. I am sure that bitch deserved every bit of being told to shut her cunt mouth.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I despised any and all group projects in college…I would have loved to have sat in on that session though.

    NP

  3. Aaron says:

    Is Victoria the exception?

  4. ZSG says:

    Victoria was clearly an exception.

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