On my way home from the gym this morning I saw parked on Sedgwick Street, right next to the Danger Dominick’s at Sedgwick and Division, a shiny new Porsche Cayenne Turbo. I admire the Porsche Cayenne. It is like an SUV, only you would never use it as an SUV. It is like a sportscar, but not really because it is large and boxy and would never drive like a sportscar. So you lose both ways. But where you win is the astronomical price you pay for it. You aren’t taking it to drive the coastal highway and hug the curves and feel every pebble in the road. And you sure as shit aren’t throwing a load of firewood in the back or hauling your boat with it. So what are you doing? If you want an SUV that performs like a utility vehicle, buy a Jeep. If you want a sportscar, buy a Porsche other than the Cayenne. If you want to shell out $106,000 for an auto that does neither well, then rock out with your small cock out, brah.
This particular Cayenne caught my eye for one reason; it had been “booted” by the city. Nothing screams “United Fucking States!” like a douchebag financing a $106,000 sport utility sports car for 8 years, when he can’t afford to pay the parking tickets he gets on it. And before you say “He may have just forgotten to pay them”, let me tell you this: You have to be dead or in jail for it to get to that point. They send you tickets for months upon months upon months, and mind you…..you have to have 3 separate delinquent parking tickets to get booted. He can’t afford the $150. Live the dream brother! I hope he crushed so much pussy with that thing when he could still get the front driver-side wheel to roll forward. And I sincerely hope that the trollops who laid down for this smooth operator, enjoyed the 4 inches and 30 seconds they accepted into their body in exchange for being seen by like-minded vapid whores cruising around town in the Cayenne.