This Russian Dude at my Gym Killed You 3 Times Before You Hit the Ground

The explosion in popularity of mixed martial arts has led to a perfectly correlated explosion of complete and utter douche bags in gyms across America. Affliction tee shirts, Tapout shorts, an attempt to cover up a lack of physical fitness through excessive consumption of kidney-destroying energy drinks and frequent assuming of grappling stances. The asshats come in many sizes and appearances, but generally speaking the following are signs that you are dealing with a mixed martial arts wannabe poseur:
Affliction gear
Tapout gear
Being overweight
Drinking furiously from a Monster, Red Line, or other energy drink that is completely detrimental to overall body health
Inability to run a sub 10 minute mile or perform any other indicator of good health
Frequently overheard referencing the “Octagon”
Seen standing in a semi-circle around a heavy bag, awkwardly kicking at it

There assholes are a dime a dozen today. There is, however, a huge exception currently seen “working out” at XSport Fitness Piper’s Alley in Chicago’s Old Town neighborhood. He is of very average proportions. Approximately 5’10″, maybe 175lbs. He keeps the hair short and the gear is minimal. So minimal in fact that he doesn’t work out in shoes. Completely barefoot. And I don’t mean Vibram 5 Fingers or any other barefoot simulator. I mean he walks around the gym, barefoot. And what lets you know he really means business is that he walks into the gym like that… I don’t know how he gets there, but he walks in the front door sans shoes. He fell out of the Russian tree and hit every fucking branch on the way down. He has sinister scars on his head and body. He doesn’t speak frequently, and he would kill you in an instant if you caught him smiling. He doesn’t tote energy drinks or water bottles. He does things to the heavy bag that make you recoil in horror. He does not need to wear Affliction tee shirts because he is Affliction. I guarantee that there were certain years during the first decade of this century that this guy killed more Chechens than he ate hot meals. Every time I see him I wait for the inevitable meltdown when he thinks he is deep in Caucasus Mountains, and stabs some unsuspecting gym patron in the lung and whispers “It okay, now you sleeps” in their ear as they bleed out in his arms. That is what I fear. However, what I wish is for him to go completely off the reservation and mistake a group of MMA poseurs at the heavy bag for a group of Chechen terrorists plotting to blow up the Kremlin and murder all of them before the first one can even scream.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to This Russian Dude at my Gym Killed You 3 Times Before You Hit the Ground

  1. Anonymous says:

    Back before the History Channel started branching out and doing stupid non-history stuff like conspiracy theory alien stuff, they had the biggest hard-on for WWII, specifically the European Theatre. I remember watching one special where they interviewed Brits, Americans, Germans, and Russians who fought on the front lines. The first three all at some point expressed how awful the war experience was, how they saw friends die, how they had to kill to survive, etc. The Russian talked about killing Germans with his trenching tool with a trace of a smirk on his face, and you could tell that if he saw a German today he would gladly still do it. Russians who grow up poor are some of the hardest people on earth.


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