There is Only ONE WAY to Solve this Gun Rights Debate

Voting……What the fuck good is that going to do for you? Protest….You really think anyone is paying a lick of attention? Argue with people…..Do you really want to waste that much time and energy? Sign petitions….I’ve never actually heard a story where a petition shows up in the hands of the person it was intended to notify and them say “We’re fucked now”. This serves as a very, very important public service–no fuck that, a message of urgent patriotic consequence–emergency broadcast: The only way we’re ever getting ANYWHERE on this most serious of national issues is to post arguments, pictures with captions that didn’t actually happen in real life, drunken diatribes, and calling the people on the other side of the fence outright fucking idiots, on social media. So please, for the love of George Washington, Don King, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Rupaul, Abe Lincoln, Timothy McVeigh, Davy Crockett, and Honey Fucking Boo Boo, get on Twitter, Facebook, and any other shit I don’t even know about, and start shouting people down from behind a computer terminal. This is fucking serious people!!! Are you going to sit on your fucking ass, not blowing up social media with your opinions on either side of the argument, shooting the guns you already have that no one is going to come take away from you, and keeping your unassailable knowledge of European and Australian murder statistics to yourself? If you are going to sit on the sidelines in this life-or-death match then the terrorists have already won you pinko commie fuck!

I’m not sticking my ass out of the foxhole on this one because I don’t want it to get shot off (pun intended). Who is right and who is wrong? I don’t know. Somewhere in the middle I think. The gun crime statistics from the U.K. cannot be argued with by anyone. But do we really want to emulate the country we broke away from in the first place? I’m not a strict constitutionalist because it was written 200+ years ago in much different times. But I can clearly read the 2nd amendment. And yes your right to bear arms was in part to protect yourself from the governing body, and also starving Indians we just threw off their own ancestral land. In 1777 you and your 4 sons, armed with muskets, might very well be able to fend off a party of 8 drunken Red Coats bent on stealing your whiskey still and cornholing your daughters. While I respect that your spirit still remains we must accept 2013 realities. If you want to wage war against the U.S. Government with your assault rifles as a tank escorts an Apache carrying Seal Team 6, then by all means be my guest. It seemed to work out well for the Branch Davidians in the Waco siege. And if somehow you win round one, I’m sure back at the Pentagon they’ll say “Alright, we have to face a stark reality here. The Johnson clan won this one, and are clearly some hard ass mutherfuckers who don’t take shit from anyone. From this point forward, they enjoy liberty on their own terms and we’re leaving them the fuck alone.” I digress. The important message to take away from this is that we all, women, children, old folks and even people from New Jersey need to get on Facebook and Twitter where the real war is being waged. I cannot even count the number of people who I have heard say in the past couple of weeks, “I was virulently against the right to own automatic weapons. But then I read the picture Tom shared on Facebook of some guy who was comparing me and others of the same opinion to Germans who went along with the Third Reich. It got me thinking and I said ‘By gad, I am a lamb being led to slaughter. Off to Sport ‘N Shoot to put assault rifles on my credit card!’” or “I have 17 guns at my house, many semi-automatic. I’ll be goddamned if the guv’mint gonna takes ‘em from me. But sumpin’ happened the other day. I overheard a fella at the pancake house citin’ gun crime statistics from Australia that he read from a Tweet done penned by another fella. I nearly spit mah coffee all over mah pie by George! I never thunk it like that. I drove home, filled my Chevy bed up with all mah guns, drove ‘em over to The Law and said to Johnny Law himself, ‘Mama, put my guns in the ground. I can’t shoot them anymore. That long black cloud is comin’ down. I feel like I’m knockin’ on heaven’s dooorrrrr’” This is what I’m hearing all over the street, owing all to those patriots who are out there fervently defending democracy for the rest of us who have not the courage to post to Facebook: “Guns don’t kill people! People kill people! Wake up dumb fucks!!!”. So get on social media, and stay on social media, until the last drop of the last beer of your 12-pack of Miller Lite is gone goddamnit! It’s too important. This affects us all man! You have to post and tweet and you have to keep right on doing it until either every last person in America has an AK-47 or each and every last gun in the United States has been melted down and turned into lead sinkers. There can be no middle ground. Either we all cower in the closets of our homes as lawless bandits roam the streets shooting everything in sight because they won’t respect the new gun laws (for a couple of months until all their ammo runs out and they realize that due to the regulations no one is manufacturing the ammunition for the gun they’re using and it is obsolete), or little grade school brats, spoiled college kids, and movie goers man the fuck up every 9-18 months and take a couple of bullets for patriotism–it’s the least they can do. We aren’t going to arrive at either conclusion if people don’t get up, sit down, and start banging out some freedom prose for people to read while they take a shit. Who is right in this debate? The fuck if I know. Which is why it is so important–so vitally fucking important goddamnit–that people like me be swayed by short, brutal Internet opinions. ‘Merika gawddamnit!


About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to There is Only ONE WAY to Solve this Gun Rights Debate

  1. Brooke says:

    I read it out loud it was soo good. Oh, and I am alone, reading it to noone…that good.

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