On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a dead car battery. Good thing it isn’t cold. Oh shit, nevermind, it is infinity below zero. Well slap my ass and call me Susan. Guess we’ll have to break out the old jumper cables, no big deal. I paid extra for the heavy gauge wire so they’d last forever and never fray. You don’t want to scrimp on jumper cables. Wait, when we sold our previous car my wife left the jumper cables in the trunk because she thought “they came with the car”. Nice parting gift, sweetie. Things could be worse, at least I’ve got AAA. I don’t have AAA. Fuck a duck. Now we have to call a tow service to jump the car. Let us moisten this $65 jump fee before we stick it in you. $65 for 2 minutes of work, which means they are billing at $1,950/hour. Good work if you can get it. Later the same day I signed up for AAA like an old man, which cost me $66 for the year + spouse. Or if you are counting at home, that is the price of the jump we just paid for, + $1. My one grandpa is spitting mad in his grave, the other just turned the Golf Channel up louder so he can’t hear me. Both children of The Great Depression and neither would have time for insolent grandsons who fail to prepare for even the most basic of life’s problems. Now we’re off (please note: I was at work, my wife dealt with 99% of this. Everything but the AAA sign-up which was a harrowing 5 minutes of Internet clicking) to the mechanic’s shop to get a new battery and any other sandpaper gloved handjobs they have in store for us. We’d been told the battery was on its last leg prior to today but we decided to wait until this coming Friday to get it fixed in rural Ohio because that would save money and we’re smart. This strategy obviously paid off as we are now getting all the work done where it costs $10,000 to get a look, another $20,000 if you want to touch it, plus the jump just to limp it over there. At least we’ve got no other purchases to make this month, the most frugal time of the year. The silver lining is that I spent autumn hoarding booze so I’m prepared for such eventualities.
A lesser man might say some shit such as, “Thankfully this happened at home and not a mall parking lot” or “I am relieved it was in our own garage and we were close to a mechanic shop instead of a rest stop in northern Indiana”. Fuck that, I want to bitch now. This sucks and I have it so horrible that I can’t even comprehend other people and their problems at the moment. Me me me me me, woe is me. I cannot fucking believe the entire universe is shitting directly on my head right now. There are basically starving people in Third World countries, Cleveland sports fans, and us when it comes to poor, miserable and oppressed groups who are cosmically fucked for all time. Dead car battery a week before the car battery was scheduled to be replaced, in the frigid cold, with no jumper cables. No one gives a half of one shit about the heat, food and beds inside the house. We’re pissed about the dead car in the garage. If anyone reading this hasn’t shopped yet for me…..I need more booze. And some jumper cables. Oooh, also one of those cool vinyl folder jackets for all my AAA materials set to arrive in the mail in 10-14 days. Man that would fucking rock. Tow truck driver: “Do you have AAA?” Me: “Hmmm, I don’t know, let me check in my glove compartment, just a moment….wait, what is this? It is my FUCKING AAA VINYL PORTFOLIO, READ ‘EM AND WEEP TOWIE! HAHAHAHAHA!”. Man that will be so freakin’ sweet. It is Christmas season, cut me some slack already:
A lone long pube on the gym shower wall
WHAM!’s “Last Christmas”
A Disney movie full of princesses
A simultaneously puking yet wild-as-shit toddler
A two-day hangover at age 35 and an
Arctic blast right up the ass