‘Sup bitches, tis Friday! The Scoutmeister is maxin’ and relaxin’ under blue skies. Saw some Rastas gettin’ their smoke on in the back corner of the park today. Ol’ Scouter moseyed on in, uber-chill, asked if they’d like to practice a little puff-puff-give? Told Scout they “Couldna spare nah puff furry mon”. Whatever shitheads, Scout just pinched off a huge digger two feet behind you that you’re likely to step on. Besides, Scout doesn’t really do drugs anyways; The Scoutmeister does bitches. What sort of Rasta won’t spare a puff for a fellow ragamuffin wanderer with great hair? Fuckin’ posers. I’ve no time for stress today, just gonna keep on keepin’ on and let the world do what it do.
My main point in preachin’ today is: I fear we are going to need to be very, very patient with my little sister. She just doesn’t get it. Doesn’t matter the subject, she doesn’t. Fucking. Get. It. Take today for example. She is on and fucking on about some diamond horseshit she picked up from Sesame Street. Some lameozoid kid’s program has her obsessing over making a diamond with her two hands. Constant with the “Daddy draw diamonds!”, and oh, there goes dad, flying to the artist’s pad drawing and coloring more diamonds because he’s a pathetic fucking slave to my Sister’s every whim. “Mommy do diamond!” and mommy, like a lifeless automaton, puts her two hands together forming a diamond of open space between her sets of index fingers and thumbs. “Daddy, do diamond!”, and now dad snapping to attention as though the goddamned Furer just walked through the door makes his own hand diamond. Then, get ready for it, she says…….”Scout, do diamond!” You have got to be fist-fuckin’ me. Where to even start? First off, unlike your lackeys mom and dad who allow you to rule them with an iron fist, Scout is a GDI (God Damn Independent). You don’t order Scout around unless there is a sweet potato treat incentive program on the back-end of this command, and there certainly isn’t as I know damn well you cannot reach the treat cabinet. Secondly, and this is a pretty big one, the Ol’ Scouter DOESN’T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Have you ever noticed, Princess Dumbface, that Scout knows how to open doors but yet cannot? Ever considered why? Can’t grasp the fucking doorknob Einstein. So riddle me this, Sister, how do you expect The Scoutmeister to form a diamond with his paws when he has no thumbs and his paws look like a muppet covered in fur so even if he could form the diamond there would be no diamond because the open space would be covered by fur? And finally, ever considered what sort of core strength would be required for me to stand on my hind legs while holding my front paws together in front of me to form a geometric shape? Actually don’t answer that, because you fucking well know I haven’t been doing my crunches lately and cannot hold such a pose, regardless how many times you demand. She cannot think outside the box. I respond to her command with the “You have got to be shitting me” look and instead of taking the hint she gets red-faced and starts screaming “SCOUT DO THE DIAMOND! SCOUT DO THE DIAMOND!” The Scoutmeister has had enough of this shit and so leaves the room to retire to the second couch (BTW, we have TWO couches now! Pretty amped to say the least, but a story for another day).
Scout is a tolerant guy but at some point we’re going to need to buy little Sister a helmet and a ticket on the short bus. I fear we’ve got a very long row to hoe with this one. Whatevs, it’s Friday. Getchyer drank on, getchyer smoke on, throw some Bob on the stereo and just cheeeeeel. You know The Scoutmesiter abides.