The Scout Chronicles: I Prefer to Shit on Grass

Or perhaps on some mulch.  Preferably fresh mulch with that heavy forest scent that I love.  I just like the way the dump sounds when it hits the earth.  I don’t like the way my dump sounds when it lands on concrete.  A very unnatural “thwack” that is not pleasing to Scout’s ears.  Besides, it is so much more civilized to shit in the lawn or the mulch.  It is more difficult for mom and dad to pick out of the grass or mulch than it is the sidewalk.  I like the feeling of making them work harder to be my bitch.  It makes Scout feel like a big man; a 150lb English Mastiff, or maybe a Greyhound.  Those dogs you see shitting on the concrete sidewalk, they are low-bred.  I would not sniff asses with such dogs because it would be beneath me.  Sure, if I’ve licked the bottom of too many of dad’s empty scotch glasses, I might be seen doing the old in-out, in-out, with one of the peasant bitches, but that is just the dog in me.  I would not take such a bitch on a proper date to the park or the dumpster behind Dominick’s.  I don’t want to be seen in such society.  Sometimes this requires, in a tight spot, for the Scoutmeister to start tugging at the leash in a panicked manner until I find an elevated garden on the periphery of someone’s property on which to shit.  But I’d rather be seen panic-pulling a leash than shitting on the sidewalk like a commoner.  Yes, you can accurately point out that given Scout’s half Golden Retriever, half Poodle heritage, that I am technically a mutt.  But after this point is made, you could then suck a bag of dicks.  And you know why?  Because I’m hot.  And hot trumps racial purity any day of the week and twice on Sunday.  The Scoutmeister does not eat Bil Jac sausage treats like some moat-digger’s hound.  Scout eats dried organic Farmer’s Market sweet potato treats in the manor house, next to a roaring fire.  And you don’t excrete this sort of upper echelon waste on a fucking sidewalk.  You do it on the grass.  Keep it really nice and civilized.       

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Scout Chronicles: I Prefer to Shit on Grass

  1. Anonymous says:

    Lovely. It's too bad we didn't get a picture of him on the (extremely narrow) elevated garden on Saturday.

  2. Zach Giles says:

    And I wish we could've gotten the picture with the new sweet-ride camera.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

five × = 5

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>