I can’t fucking take it anymore. I haven’t wanted to give voice to what I’ve known in my heart for several years: The NFL absolutely fucking sucks. In my youth, during college and throughout most of my 20′s it was appointment television. Even after that fat cunt of a jackal Art Modell ripped my heart out and moved the Browns to Baltimore. The New Browns have been a laughing stock ever since and still I watched NFL Football. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know how it could get any more boring. It doesn’t matter how goddamn pedestrian the play you just saw was, you’re gonna see it 20 more times via replay. And just pray they don’t have to review it, that’s another 7 minutes. The commercial breaks are beyond excessive. This is now the actual sequence of commercials:
Come back from commercial.
Offense goes three and out.
Return team fields ball and is tackled.
Offense begins series.
How is this entertaining? You have to drink like a sorority girl trying to forget last night’s “Eiffel Tower” just to make this fun. And a lot of people can’t do that on a Sunday. Add in brutally painful announcers–and don’t forget there are 20 of them per game now, and 40 per pre-game show–who shit from the mouth for 3+ hours, and you need xanax, minimum, to get through this drivel. The action is still entertaining, but there are too many breaks in the action coupled with players needing to insert their individualism into games by doing an asshole celebration after every play. These are the plays worth celebrating:
That is it. Only assholes celebrate first downs, catching a ball, tackling someone, breaking up a pass, etc. I saw a Miami Hurricane linebacker celebrate and do an interpretive dance last Saturday after tackling an Ohio State running back. However the tailback just got a first down, on Miami’s 10 yard line, and they were ahead two scores (I realize this is a collegiate example but the assholery has trickled down).
The final death blow occurred on opening night when the Vikings played at the Saints. This was truly a shitshow to behold. For America’s “tough guy”, macho sport, the opening musical act was Taylor Swift. Yes, you read that correctly, Taylor Swift. The chick with the legions of fans in the 9-17 year old girl demographic. I’ve listened to her “music” before, and it sounds like an elephant being put to sleep with a fucking razor blade. What could get you more fired up to watch some dudes go smash heads than a chick crooning out-of-key about the emotional fallout from an under-bleachers finger-blasting? This sorry-assed pansified display was followed by the coat hanger abortion that is Brett Favre. Once that suck fest ended it was time to PLAY SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL!!! Oh wait, no it wasn’t. It was time for a Dave Matthews Band concert. Dave Fucking Matthews. They’ve sucked, aggressively, for a solid 12 years now. My freshman year roommate played the song “Crash” 275,000 times during our first semester at the University of Maryland, and I’ve had a special place in my heart for those assholes ever since. Listen, I only worked for 1 year in marketing, and it was for college textbooks. But I know that the first rule of marketing is “know your target”. If your target was a large group of stoned University of Virginia undergrads, then DMB was a great choice. But it wasn’t. Epic fail. If the NFL was really striving for this queer of a kickoff party, why not save a lot of time and money and just pay two dudes to smoke each other’s poles on a stage outside the Superdome? Once we FINALLY got to the game, it was a commercial and unnecessary superlative-filled night with some football mixed in. It was okay. It was better than being at work, but it wasn’t as entertaining as reading a good book.
I understand that dudes don’t want to admit that the NFL fucking sucks high shit. I didn’t either. But there are in life certain realizations that must be acknowledged lest you live your life in denial. And this is one of them. RIP NFL, you had a good run.