The NFL is a Pile of Shit

I can’t fucking take it anymore. I haven’t wanted to give voice to what I’ve known in my heart for several years: The NFL absolutely fucking sucks. In my youth, during college and throughout most of my 20′s it was appointment television. Even after that fat cunt of a jackal Art Modell ripped my heart out and moved the Browns to Baltimore. The New Browns have been a laughing stock ever since and still I watched NFL Football. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know how it could get any more boring. It doesn’t matter how goddamn pedestrian the play you just saw was, you’re gonna see it 20 more times via replay. And just pray they don’t have to review it, that’s another 7 minutes. The commercial breaks are beyond excessive. This is now the actual sequence of commercials:
Come back from commercial.
Offense goes three and out.
Offense punts.
Return team fields ball and is tackled.
Offense begins series.
How is this entertaining? You have to drink like a sorority girl trying to forget last night’s “Eiffel Tower” just to make this fun. And a lot of people can’t do that on a Sunday. Add in brutally painful announcers–and don’t forget there are 20 of them per game now, and 40 per pre-game show–who shit from the mouth for 3+ hours, and you need xanax, minimum, to get through this drivel. The action is still entertaining, but there are too many breaks in the action coupled with players needing to insert their individualism into games by doing an asshole celebration after every play. These are the plays worth celebrating:
Fumble Recovery
That is it. Only assholes celebrate first downs, catching a ball, tackling someone, breaking up a pass, etc. I saw a Miami Hurricane linebacker celebrate and do an interpretive dance last Saturday after tackling an Ohio State running back. However the tailback just got a first down, on Miami’s 10 yard line, and they were ahead two scores (I realize this is a collegiate example but the assholery has trickled down).
The final death blow occurred on opening night when the Vikings played at the Saints. This was truly a shitshow to behold. For America’s “tough guy”, macho sport, the opening musical act was Taylor Swift. Yes, you read that correctly, Taylor Swift. The chick with the legions of fans in the 9-17 year old girl demographic. I’ve listened to her “music” before, and it sounds like an elephant being put to sleep with a fucking razor blade. What could get you more fired up to watch some dudes go smash heads than a chick crooning out-of-key about the emotional fallout from an under-bleachers finger-blasting? This sorry-assed pansified display was followed by the coat hanger abortion that is Brett Favre. Once that suck fest ended it was time to PLAY SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL!!! Oh wait, no it wasn’t. It was time for a Dave Matthews Band concert. Dave Fucking Matthews. They’ve sucked, aggressively, for a solid 12 years now. My freshman year roommate played the song “Crash” 275,000 times during our first semester at the University of Maryland, and I’ve had a special place in my heart for those assholes ever since. Listen, I only worked for 1 year in marketing, and it was for college textbooks. But I know that the first rule of marketing is “know your target”. If your target was a large group of stoned University of Virginia undergrads, then DMB was a great choice. But it wasn’t. Epic fail. If the NFL was really striving for this queer of a kickoff party, why not save a lot of time and money and just pay two dudes to smoke each other’s poles on a stage outside the Superdome? Once we FINALLY got to the game, it was a commercial and unnecessary superlative-filled night with some football mixed in. It was okay. It was better than being at work, but it wasn’t as entertaining as reading a good book.
I understand that dudes don’t want to admit that the NFL fucking sucks high shit. I didn’t either. But there are in life certain realizations that must be acknowledged lest you live your life in denial. And this is one of them. RIP NFL, you had a good run.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to The NFL is a Pile of Shit

  1. Aaron says:

    Bravo. You assessment is spot on. I could not agree more.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Look, I hate Taylor Swift and Dave Matthews Band as much as the next guy who didn't just finish his turn getting leap-frogged to the rear of a sweaty man train but did you really have to bring my beloved Hurricanes into question here?

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