On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, WHAM!’s “Last Christmas”. I say with utmost sincerity and vehemence, if you don’t like–no not like, but love–WHAM! “Last Christmas”, you can take your pinko commie gold-brickin’ fuckin’ ass to Canada, or Moscow, or wherever shitheel losers go because America don’t need ya no more. If you don’t click on the link and watch the YouTube, you are yellow, a traitor to your country, you have shit for taste and you might be a pedophile. Not like the respectable pedophile in the Santa hat above, but a scummy one. When Aaron Ridgely and George Michael sing about Christmas love from a château in the Alps, I fucking listen. This is the awesomest Christmas song ever and I will fight any two-bit desert dwelling terrorist who disagrees. This is when men were men and men sang Christmas songs with true meaning while rocking dominant hair.
“Last Christmas I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away.”
The fucking raw emotional power is more than I can bear. I want to cry, I wan to run, I want to brutalize a vagrant, I want to find true love. I want it all man. I want George Michael’s hair. Sometimes a song just charges through the gates of your heart, rapes your women, murders your servants, and makes you do it’s bidding for the rest of your days. Goddamnit this is that song. If you listen to this musical tour de force and do not want to immediately start making love to something next to a roaring fire on a bear skin rug while snow falls heavily from a leaden December sky, then you are dead and fucking gone my friend. No hope left for you.
“This year, to save me from tears….I give it to someone special”
You black-hearted bitch! Who are you to deny the Christmas advances of either of these minstrels? Have you ever listened to Faith? Well, have you? This song is not about Christmas; it is Christmas. I don’t understand why 93.9 FM bothers to play any other songs, what’s the point? I just snorted 5 lines of peppermint bark, smoked a mistletoe joint, pounded two egg nogs, and turned “Last Christmas” up to 11 man! I want to go outside and start screaming this shit in someone’s face. Maybe tackle some neighborhood kids in the snow and put them in a choke hold until they can recite the whole fucking thing!
“Once bitten and twice shy. I keep my distance but you still catch my eye. Tell me baby, do you recognize me?”
Are your clothes still on? Mine sure as shit are NOT. If Eros and Cupid banged out and had a kid, and that kid ate an entire book of love poems and another of Christmas stories, then took a huge dump, that dump would be this song. No doubt in my fucking mind. If you close your eyes during “Last Christmas” and inhale deeply three times, you will actually smell ski chalet pine bunk-bed sex. Go ahead, try, we’ll wait……
“A crowded room, friends with tired eyes. I’m hiding from you, and your soul of ice. My God I thought you were someone to rely on. Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on.”
I’m crying AND horny. When she locks eyes in the video with George Michael across the crowded ski chalet dinner table, my pants melt into a pool of corduroy at my feet. George doesn’t have a passionate look in his eyes; his steely gaze IS passion. Talk about a face that could launch a thousand ships…..Helen ain’t got shit on George Michael. When he chases her down in the snow wearing a full-length deer skin coat you know you are watching one of the world’s most deadly predators. Pussy stands no chance against George the lion and his beautifully coiffed mane.
There may be other Christmas carols and songs but they are child’s play compared to this. If Shakespeare himself were alive today and heard “Last Christmas” the old bard would be forced to light fire to his own catalog and start anew. The damnable thing about this song is that once December 25th ends, so to does the airplay. I could of course listen to it four seasons but to do so would lessen the impact come the day after Thanksgiving. Sometimes in life we must deny ourselves that which makes us happiest so as to better appreciate it at the appropriate time. Sadly “Last Christmas” is exactly this type of experience. Until December 26th rears its ugly head I will be guns blazing full volume WHAM! and fuck the world if they don’t like it.
“A face on a lover with a fire in his heart (I gave you my heart). A man under cover but you tore him apart. Maybe next year I’ll give it to someone, I’ll give it to someone special. Special…..Someone.”
Mutherfucker. I’m but a man cast about in a small raft upon a roiling sea of Christmas and love. Merry Christmas everyone, I’m too torn apart to go on…….The music is the perfect backdrop to consider other days of Christmas: