It may seem complicated, but it isn’t. For anyone who has been unsuccessfully trying to avoid seeing these Washington fucktards playing dick-slap with each other over this recent hot-button issue, and not really grasping what is going on, this post is for you. And don’t feel bad that you don’t get it. It isn’t you–it’s them. If you take away anything from this article, it should be that you’ve voted tits, on a bull, into government. Here is the main problem, in a nutshell:
The United States was drunk as shit at an outdoor music festival. It was hot as all fuck, and all the U.S. brought to wear was a tank top and shorts. There was a big tent at the festival where shifty fucks on cocaine and failure were giving away “free” fisherman’s caps and little water bottles with miniature fan attachments that blew a mist onto your face. So the U.S. did what any responsible drunk person would do, and signed up for a Visa, a Master Card, an Amex, a Diner’s Club, and yes, even a Discover Card. Then when the U.S. woke up hungover the next day, they went to the mall to make themselves feel better. They bought some jeans and a fall jacket and some perfume and a Coach purse and some Manolo Blahniks and got a mani-pedi. That night they treated their friends to dinner and drinks, then hit the strip clubs and went wild in the champagne room. Later on they ended up at Suzy Kim’s Massage Parlor and since it was on the plastic, everyone answered “Happy Ending” when one of Suzy’s minions asked “So whah airse ya wan baby?”. Some time went by and all seemed well. They continued to shop online and eat dinners they couldn’t afford, all the while making the minimum payments on the credit cards. Then the housing market rationalized and suddenly they weren’t selling 97 mortgages each month, and income began to dry up. Suddenly the minimum credit card payments became their entire disposable income. And guess what, next month money in is going to be < money out, and they can't meet the minimum payment on the revolving credit card debt anymore. What to do??????
And here is what they do:
They call a huge circle-jerk party with all their most degenerate, lying, cheating, stealing, molesting, DUI’ing, racketeering, dick pic texting, intern-raping, sexual harassing, cross-dressing friends and do the most responsible, fiscally sound thing they can think of…..open up a new credit card to pay the minimum monthly balances on all the other credit cards, at the very handsome APR of 39.99%.
And that folks, is all she wrote. We all have a line-blowing friend with a blow-out haircut that is doing the same, and it is no different with the U.S. Government. I’m not passing any judgment on the decision to open the new credit card. It is either file bankruptcy now with Peter Francis Geraci, or file bankruptcy later with one of PFG’s esteemed colleagues after Peter Francis Geraci tragically dies in a Red Roof Inn under a highway overpass when a game of erotic asphyxiation with a prostitute goes awry. It is only a matter of delaying the inevitable. Just like when Bush & Bros brought us the bailout that has (as I predicted before he even won the election) now been blamed entirely on the Black Guy who had nothing to do with it. I guess there is a chance our 4th and 88 with 0:02 on the clock Hail Mary hook and lateral play somehow goes Stanford vs. Cal and we avoid having to call the debt consolidation 1-800 number at 2 a.m. with an empty bottle of scotch next to our sofa and an aborted straight-razor cut on our wrist. I mean why not? Anything is possible, with God. And once the Tea Party comes to power, we’re going to have a straight flush to the God.