I am well aware that this post isn’t exactly current news. I was trekking Nepal in 2012 and couldn’t get my laptop online. The wireless service in Bharatpur is shit. So please forgive me. If you think Dan Cathy, the president of Chick-Fil-A, gives a flying fuck about gay marriage I’ve got some pretty incredible beans I’d like to sell you, along with an eighth of killer kind oregano. Chick-Fil-A is predominant in the south, southeast and mid-Atlantic. Do you know what else is predominant in those areas? Jesus. Chick-Fil-A is in Chicago but not that prevalent, and they aren’t 1% as popular as they are in the aforementioned Bible-centric areas. What gets Bible-thumpers in a tizzy more than hot-button social issues which don’t fucking matter in the grand scheme of things, but matter intensely in their world of Biblical interpretation minutia and exclusionary hate? Nothing, that’s what. So what could Dan-O do for free which would increase sales of deep-fried processed factory chickens? Easy-say Chick-Fil-A stands firmly against gay marriage. Boom, idiots as far as the eye can see waiting to get inside his many restaurants to woof down Jesus hate birds and add to their already repulsive waist lines. Who knows, maybe this fucktard actually does stand adamantly opposed to gay marriage? But he’s got nothing to gain by releasing an official PR statement saying as much. Well, nothing but traffic and shitpiles of cash that is. So why not? “We here at Chick-Fil-A stand for hatin’ fags. Now get on in hurrr and getcha some chicken why dontcha!” And they came in droves. When you, your wife, and your three kids all at an average BMI of 33 have a hankerin’ for some fried factory steroid meat, the only thing that could make it any sweeter than the deep fryer itself is some good ol’ fashioned “Christian” homo-hatin’. Of course Dan-O knows, because he’s rich, that all the negative press and protests will do more to add to the bottom line than any positive or charitable message or act could ever do.
The downright amazing part to me is that anyone gives a McMutherfuck. I mean seriously, who gives a shit? This is America isn’t it? Although Big Brother is stealing our freedoms little-by-little every year, we still have the freedom to spend our discretionary dollars on anything we want, right? This isn’t Russia is it Danny (if you don’t know the source of this quote you should quit reading, maybe kill yourself too)? So if you love trans fat and diabetes almost as much as you hate homosexuals and their sick, twisted, confounded notions of wanting to enjoy their liberty like the rest of Americans, then fire up the Astrovan, head on down to C-F-A and make it a double brotha! And if you are some liberal shitstain Eurotrash Frencher and have some pagan notion that we’re all equal and thus deserve the same rights, then walk across the goddamn road to Popeyes or Bojangles and get down with some hush puppies and read your New York Times, comrade. Don’t let the Chick-Fil-A door hit you in the ass on your way out! Why you gonna waste valuable time and energy getting pissed off at C-F-A and their legions of “Christian” liberty-thieves? Don’t even think about it.
I understand why the opponents of gay marriage get so fired up about Cathy’s statement: They’re fucking assholes. That is the easy question. But the Final Jeopardy head-scratcher is why anyone else gives a nugget of shit about those people? Seriously, it’s laughable at best. Professing to be “Christian” and live by Jesus’s message of love and inclusion, except for homosexuals. No sireee Bob, not gays! These are the same people who brought you “Liberty and Justice for All…..except black people…..fuck them”. Why can’t gay people get married? Because of an ever-so-slight chemical message-sending variance in their brain which makes them statistically less “normal” than the average? Then why can people who are well below average intelligence get married? Or why can white people get married at all? Shouldn’t it be reserved for Asian and darker-skinned people, since they constitute the bulk of the world’s population? Why can albinos get married, they’re much more rare than homosexuals? Why do my extended family members who are very strong Christians (lack of ” ” is intentional) think it is totally cool if gays get married? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with them? How can they follow Jesus’s message but not hate and exclude a small segment of the population? They must be fake Christians right? “Good Christians” know that in order to get to Heaven you have to make absofuckinglutely sure that a lesbian’s partner cannot be added to her company’s superior health insurance so that if she loses her own job and then is diagnosed with breast cancer she will die the miserable, excruciatingly painful, impoverished death in the dark side-room of a shitty hospital that her sinning ass so richly deserves. Amen! Don’t waste a moment of your life worrying about, arguing with, or in any way acknowledging the existence of these “marriage defenders”. If they want to praise Jesus and God out of one side of their mouth, while excluding one small group of people from basic family life out of the other side, let them. It’s high comedy. Although I’m not a God or Jesus guy myself, I’m confident they would puke on these folks. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. If I am wrong and God does wish for homosexuals to be legally prohibited from marriage, then fuck him anyway. I’d rather go live in Hell with all the nice people. All of these folks should be given a homosexual child so they can walk a fucking mile in someone else’s moccasins. If they still want to exclude gays like Dick Cheney, then touche sir, your balls swing both low and heavy.
*Addendum: We went to a party this past fall at a friend’s house who served, amongst other treats, a shit ton of Chick-Fil-A ”nuggets”, with all the dippins. I’ll hairlip the fucking Pope if it wasn’t deeelicious. Seriously, eat some Chick-Fil-A and tell me it doesn’t roxx with two xx’s, I challenge you. Those evil homophobes can fry a fuckin’ bird, son!