The Chik-Fil-A President is a Goddamn Genius

I am well aware that this post isn’t exactly current news. I was trekking Nepal in 2012 and couldn’t get my laptop online. The wireless service in Bharatpur is shit. So please forgive me. If you think Dan Cathy, the president of Chick-Fil-A, gives a flying fuck about gay marriage I’ve got some pretty incredible beans I’d like to sell you, along with an eighth of killer kind oregano. Chick-Fil-A is predominant in the south, southeast and mid-Atlantic. Do you know what else is predominant in those areas? Jesus. Chick-Fil-A is in Chicago but not that prevalent, and they aren’t 1% as popular as they are in the aforementioned Bible-centric areas. What gets Bible-thumpers in a tizzy more than hot-button social issues which don’t fucking matter in the grand scheme of things, but matter intensely in their world of Biblical interpretation minutia and exclusionary hate? Nothing, that’s what. So what could Dan-O do for free which would increase sales of deep-fried processed factory chickens? Easy-say Chick-Fil-A stands firmly against gay marriage. Boom, idiots as far as the eye can see waiting to get inside his many restaurants to woof down Jesus hate birds and add to their already repulsive waist lines. Who knows, maybe this fucktard actually does stand adamantly opposed to gay marriage? But he’s got nothing to gain by releasing an official PR statement saying as much. Well, nothing but traffic and shitpiles of cash that is. So why not? “We here at Chick-Fil-A stand for hatin’ fags. Now get on in hurrr and getcha some chicken why dontcha!” And they came in droves. When you, your wife, and your three kids all at an average BMI of 33 have a hankerin’ for some fried factory steroid meat, the only thing that could make it any sweeter than the deep fryer itself is some good ol’ fashioned “Christian” homo-hatin’. Of course Dan-O knows, because he’s rich, that all the negative press and protests will do more to add to the bottom line than any positive or charitable message or act could ever do.

The downright amazing part to me is that anyone gives a McMutherfuck. I mean seriously, who gives a shit? This is America isn’t it? Although Big Brother is stealing our freedoms little-by-little every year, we still have the freedom to spend our discretionary dollars on anything we want, right? This isn’t Russia is it Danny (if you don’t know the source of this quote you should quit reading, maybe kill yourself too)? So if you love trans fat and diabetes almost as much as you hate homosexuals and their sick, twisted, confounded notions of wanting to enjoy their liberty like the rest of Americans, then fire up the Astrovan, head on down to C-F-A and make it a double brotha! And if you are some liberal shitstain Eurotrash Frencher and have some pagan notion that we’re all equal and thus deserve the same rights, then walk across the goddamn road to Popeyes or Bojangles and get down with some hush puppies and read your New York Times, comrade. Don’t let the Chick-Fil-A door hit you in the ass on your way out! Why you gonna waste valuable time and energy getting pissed off at C-F-A and their legions of “Christian” liberty-thieves? Don’t even think about it.

I understand why the opponents of gay marriage get so fired up about Cathy’s statement: They’re fucking assholes. That is the easy question. But the Final Jeopardy head-scratcher is why anyone else gives a nugget of shit about those people? Seriously, it’s laughable at best. Professing to be “Christian” and live by Jesus’s message of love and inclusion, except for homosexuals. No sireee Bob, not gays! These are the same people who brought you “Liberty and Justice for All…..except black people…..fuck them”. Why can’t gay people get married? Because of an ever-so-slight chemical message-sending variance in their brain which makes them statistically less “normal” than the average? Then why can people who are well below average intelligence get married? Or why can white people get married at all? Shouldn’t it be reserved for Asian and darker-skinned people, since they constitute the bulk of the world’s population? Why can albinos get married, they’re much more rare than homosexuals? Why do my extended family members who are very strong Christians (lack of ” ” is intentional) think it is totally cool if gays get married? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with them? How can they follow Jesus’s message but not hate and exclude a small segment of the population? They must be fake Christians right? “Good Christians” know that in order to get to Heaven you have to make absofuckinglutely sure that a lesbian’s partner cannot be added to her company’s superior health insurance so that if she loses her own job and then is diagnosed with breast cancer she will die the miserable, excruciatingly painful, impoverished death in the dark side-room of a shitty hospital that her sinning ass so richly deserves. Amen! Don’t waste a moment of your life worrying about, arguing with, or in any way acknowledging the existence of these “marriage defenders”. If they want to praise Jesus and God out of one side of their mouth, while excluding one small group of people from basic family life out of the other side, let them. It’s high comedy. Although I’m not a God or Jesus guy myself, I’m confident they would puke on these folks. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. If I am wrong and God does wish for homosexuals to be legally prohibited from marriage, then fuck him anyway. I’d rather go live in Hell with all the nice people. All of these folks should be given a homosexual child so they can walk a fucking mile in someone else’s moccasins. If they still want to exclude gays like Dick Cheney, then touche sir, your balls swing both low and heavy.

*Addendum: We went to a party this past fall at a friend’s house who served, amongst other treats, a shit ton of Chick-Fil-A ”nuggets”, with all the dippins. I’ll hairlip the fucking Pope if it wasn’t deeelicious. Seriously, eat some Chick-Fil-A and tell me it doesn’t roxx with two xx’s, I challenge you. Those evil homophobes can fry a fuckin’ bird, son!

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to The Chik-Fil-A President is a Goddamn Genius

  1. Amanda says:

    I saw this article the other day and thought it was a good follow-up to your post. It shows the two sides can come together in a productive way!

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