Testimony from the Front Lines of America’s Battle with Obesity

A dear colleague of mine from University recently told me the below story. To protect the innocent I will identify him only as “Aaron”. It is easy sometimes to cast your lot with those on one side of an argument, or the other. More often than not it those arguing who have never actually experienced what they argue over. Aaron has suffered mightily yet come out clean on the other side. I present the story verbatim so that readers may understand what it is like to walk a mile in the moccasins of the afflicted:

“Obesity is a DISEASE” Argument

As a formally fat and despicable person who has reformed himself, I would like to give my own opinion on the matter of Obesity being a disease or not. Please understand that I am not foolish enough to believe that my situation encapsulates all obese people, nor do I want to convey that my situation is all encompassing. I simply would like to comment on what made me obese and what finally “cured” me.
The year is 1988. I am a relatively “normal” child in terms of weight and body size. Daddy and mommy get divorced and life seems to be different. In an effort to feel good I delve into a world of binge eating and video games. This lifestyle continues for a few years and is somehow tolerated by my mother. As one of the fattest people in my grade I would commonly be ridiculed and bullied. Instead of fixing myself I get worse. I would commonly eat bags of Orea Cookies in 5-10 minutes. I would eat the 5 for 5 at Arby’s without pause. I ate so much string cheese at my grandmothers one time I could not shit for 3 days. I once ate a loaf of Italian Bread right after my mom purchased it by eating 11 bologna sandwiches in a 20 minute span. I went trick or treating also until 7th grade.The point of the matter is that I used food to make myself feel better. But that is not the whole story.
What allowed the pounds to stick was the second vice…video games. It was very common for me to play from the time I would wake up until the time I would go to bed. I have solved over 35 games for nintendo, 7 for sega, 4 for super nintendo and I guarantee I am still the most formidable player in Street Fighter II for super Nintendo. In an attempt to be “social” I would go to the arcade in the mall and eat pizza and play games. I still have yet to meet a person who beat Terminator 2 Judgment Day in Arcade Form. Before I would go to the arcade I wouls stop at Mr. Bulky’s Food which sold candy in bulk. I would get a pound of gummy worms or snow caps and eat them while I played…it was awful.
Then, thankfully, my father was back in my life a little more and he told me that I was an embarrassment. I remember him getting so mad at me that I was fat. He would go on tirades about how much I ate and he stopped the video game addiction. He soon pushed me towards weightlifting and other activity. Soon, after I stopped making bad choices, I began to shed the weight. After a year or so I was clearly had the best body in my grade. So, in retrospect, I can only call my obesity a form of controllable weakness. It was not a disease in any way. I was a cowardly fat person who would rather have instantaneous gratification and be lazy. I was disgusting, sickening, shameful, bad, lazy, selfish, fat, sickening and fat. This is why I hate all fat people. Even the ones I am nice to I really hate. I find that I can’t stand to be around them and secretly wish that someone with a gun would sneak up on them and force them to exercise until they changed or died. As a formally obese person I ask that you respect my opinion as I have walked in “their shoes” and can say that only hatred towards me and my lifestyle eventually forced me to quit being selfish and put food first.
In closing, I would like you to consider this. I ate 17 or 18 donuts one morning at my aunts house after she went out to get them for everyone for breakfast. Why did I do it? Because fat people are the most selfish people and I wanted them all for myself. Even the maple cream donuts which I hate. Fat people are selfish. They will shorten their lives and thus shorten the time they have with loved ones all so that they can feel good in the moment.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Testimony from the Front Lines of America’s Battle with Obesity

  1. Aaron says:

    I am also proud that I have not, and will not, employ obese people. Beyond the obvious problems of laziness and “Fat Rage,” they are generally not able to work well with others. Also obese people are the most selfish people in the world.

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