Tag Archives: chicago

This Crack is Off the HEEZIE!

If you live in the Sedgwick & Division/Seward Park neighborhood of Chicago (formerly the Cabrini Green projects), then you know what the fuck I’m talking about.  A local dealer dropped a BOMB on ‘em son!  There are always a few … Continue reading

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“Nothing is Fucked Here Dude. Come On, You’re Being Very UnDude.”

I’m totally kidding.  Everything is fucked.  Rioting in London.  Stock market going down faster than a Thai whore for a c-note.  U.S. credit rating downgraded (sorry, same principles for household financial management apply at the macro level as well).  U.S. Government is … Continue reading

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Are the Cubs Fucking Serious?

This sums up Cubs baseball better than any mascot or team logo.  The Cubs are sucking at the teet of superior organizations, and are damned lucky to be fed at all.  Luckily for me I’m a Chicago transplant and don’t … Continue reading

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Allison Rosati, Sweetheart, Can We Talk about this Haircut?

Allison, you are a successful news anchor over there at NBC 5.  And Chicago isn’t exactly a back-water market.  There are plenty of hosts and anchors on national stations via the Windy City to prove that Chicago is a major … Continue reading

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Chicago Festival Review: Seward Park Crack Fest 2011

This summer festival totally flew under the radar, but it was a smashing success.  What this festival lacked in turnout, concessions, music, kid’s entertainment, officialdom, food or beverage, it totally made up for in solid attendance by myriad crackheads.  When … Continue reading

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Another Lovely Day Here in Dubai

105 degrees today with 1,000% humidity.  Gorgeous!  Watch out for that sandstorm around midday, wouldn’t want sand in your melted ice cream.  Perfect day for nothing.  Scorching hazy sun reflecting off the Persian Gulf cooking your brain right inside your … Continue reading

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Chicago Weather Forecast:

Today’s Forecast: It is going to be fucking hot today, with a chance of swamp ass.  Wednesday: Hotter than a freshly-raped fox in a forest fire*.  Sport-wipe necessary when you finally get to your office, as swamp-ass is guaranteed.  Thursday: … Continue reading

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If You’re Important and You Know it, Honk Your Horn

Are you driving the speed limit you worthless fucking hick?  HONK!  Are you actually stopping at a Stop sign retard?  HONK!  That light has been green for .000002 seconds, why haven’t you laid a patch of rubber and shot off … Continue reading

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I Love Mexicans

If you think that Mexicans should get the fuck out of your country, then you know what? I think you should get the fuck out of your country. Mexicans are out there harvesting the food you are cramming into your … Continue reading

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I Can’t Wait to Not Go to the Taste of Chicago!

I have been waiting, with baited fucking breath, all year, to not set one goddamned foot in the Taste of Chicago. It is going to be the highlight of my summer; avoiding The Taste like it’s a Haitian crack whore … Continue reading

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