Studio 54 should have been rated NC/17

Given that I’m slowing dying faster than a Medieval peasant after sticking his hand in a rat den, I had the opportunity to re-watch Studio 54 this morning. It was the only alternative to morning talk show drivel, not to mention it features Selma Hayek’s jugs. It is one of those movies, much like Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, where upon seeing it for the first time when it came out, I thought it was a brilliant piece of cinema. Then when I see it 10 years later I realize it was a steaming pile of shit with asymmetrical corn in it. Ryan Phillipe is lucky he’s hot. If he looked like Steve Buschemi his next job offer after this movie would have been as spokesman for an auto glass factory. That being said, my real point is that this movie was only rated R. I feel this really slipped under the movie ratings radar. At minimum it should have been NC/17, if not Rated X. And here’s why:

There is a scene approximately 2/3 of the way through the film where Steve Rubell, the character played by Mike Myers, coerces Greg Randazzo, played by Breckin Meyer, into his bed chamber under the guise of being too drug and alcohol addled to get there himself. What transpired thereafter has left me emotionally shaken for the rest of my life. As Randazzo tries to determine what ulterior motives Rubell has for bringing him into his lair, Rubell cuts right to the chase. I cannot do this scene justice in written word, but I will die trying. Rubell looks at Randazzo and says, after sleazily stuttering through several attempts at starting his oratory, “…I wanna suck your cock”. Once again, this format fails to capture the utter horror of not only the look on his face, but the annunciation of the word “cock”. It was similar to, yet worse than, “The Crying Game”. As my friend Aaron from college very astutely opined, “It was the ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ of our generation”. Thankfully the writers chose to have Randazzo’s character retreat in fear so as to save us the misery of watching him agonize through a homosexual blowjob which was forced upon him. Had they not, well, the movie “Road Trip” never happens as Breckin Meyer would have been the modern era’s version of Ned Beatty. It was such a virtuoso performance by Myers that the debate amongst my friends still rages: Did Myers deserve an Oscar for so believably delivering this most horrendous of lines? Or should he have been forced, in his real life, to register as a sex offender and go door-to-door warning his would-be neighbors? Given that I can only surmise what Myers had to do in real-life to prepare for this role, I’m leaning towards the latter. I contracted hepatitis from merely watching that scene. No amount of Hayek’s tits splattered across the screen like a slasher film could ever erase that scene from our collective consciousness.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Studio 54 should have been rated NC/17

  1. Aaron says:

    Myers tour-de-force performance had to be done to show the depths that man is capable. I remember an interview Ralph Fiennes gave in regard to his role of Amon Goth. When talking of the unusual guilt he felt to be “praised and applauded” for playing a monster “well” he said he felt some comfort from Holocaust survivors who told him the world must see what murder looks like. They must know its face so to never forget.

    We had never witnessed stolen innocence in American cinema to that point. With those 5 words, and the greatest cock-lust look ever witnessed in traditional or pornographic film, Myers raped our innocence on a macro-scale.

    The only thing else I will say is this…you can't un-watch this.

  2. Aaron says:

    I am still shook up from my post some two weeks ago.

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