Yet another mind-blowingly easy way to trick stupid people out of their money, and here I sit holding my dick getting pissed about it. www.familystickers.com 100-Me Zero. I’ve detailed similar missed riches in a previous post regarding Joel Osteen (though I’ve since been fact-checked and realized I incorrectly attributed “The Purpose Driven Life” to him–wrong, some other asshole entirely). Now I sit on the sideline with a backward cap and a clipboard merely watching as a scumbag with more balls than me rakes in Pet Rock cash and sips champagne from the cleavage of only the cleanest strippers. These decals do serve an important societal function, that of clearly marking for the general public exactly who the fucking nerds are so that no one has to waste valuable free time socializing with the decal bearing family before arriving at the fact they are in fact fucking nerds. Outside of this one Scarlet Letter function, they are unequivocally and without defense, awful. Oh look at our zany little family. We have a dad (love how the dad is always shown first, he being the head of the family, the MAN), a mom, three kids of decreasing size, and check this out: we also have a dog AND a cat! We need everyone to know exactly what is in our family, including all stalkers, child molesters, perverts and the busy-body public at large. And even better if we’re being marked by criminals for theft or abduction they don’t even have to sort through our garbage! We tell them everything they need to know on the back of our Odyssey! They can quickly pick out which child they want to abduct, or easily plan a burglary. They know exactly which and how many animals they need to account for when they break in! Bring one raw steak to throw at Dexter when they crowbar the backdoor, kick Mittens in the face once and BAM, it is open season on the electronics and maybe even a panty-raid in mom’s room! Take one cell phone pic of the back of the mini van to remind yourself the oldest girl is a cheerleader and the next oldest child, a son, is clearly trapping a soccer ball underfoot, therefore you can count on weekday afternoons when dad and mom are at work, the eldest two children are at their athletic practices and, wait….there is another kid? No worry, as you can see this kid has only one little squiggly line hair coming out of its head, so clearly a baby. In kinder care so come right on in, throw Dexter a t-bone, punt Mittens in the face, and you’re the king of the castle until almost dinner time, easy breezy Japaneezy. Now all they need is to make a sticker with a hovering “E=MC2″ over one of the kid’s heads and then all the insufferable people who have self-diagnosed their kid as “gifted” will be able to notify the driving public at large via mini van window. Wait, there’s my million; a self-diagnosed gifted kid decal for car windows! Does calling “DIBS!” on my own Internet blog count as legally trademarking something?