Should Cleveland Browns Fans (Myself Included) Collectively Jump Off a Bridge?

Whilst checking Facebook, Twitter, the Internet in general, and other media sources the past day I witnessed probably the most depressing thing I’ve lived through as a life-long Browns fan. Some Browns fans are amped as all fuck because Peyton Hillis was voted onto the cover of the upcoming release of Madden Football. It isn’t like he won the MVP or something. Fans voted him onto the cover. Of a video game. Fuck me runnin’. This is ground zero of being a Browns fan. And mind you, I’ve lived through the following:

-That horse-toothed fuck John Elway and “The Drive”. I was about 7 years old at the time, and when it was over my friend Jason Price and I knew enough at that age to go into his bedroom and start launching Tonka trucks all over the place, while crying our fucking tits off. If memory serves, Jason was also an accomplished swear-word artist at the time, though not polished. So I think the shouts went something like “John Elway Fucking Goddamn Hell Shit Ass!” And to be honest, if it happened again today, he might yell the same. PS–That field goal to win the game was fucking wide. Everyone knows it, even Mr. Ed.

-The Browns mounting a thrilling comeback in the second half of an AFC Title Game, again against Mr. Ed and gang, only to see Ernest Byner fumble the ball on the 1 yard line as he was about to score the go-ahead touchdown. That was more sadness than rage.

-Art Modell, one of the worst human beings on earth, like way worse than most child molesters and certainly more vindictive than Hitler, moved the team under cover of darkness and in most cowardly fashion to Baltimore.

-Everything since the team returned to Cleveland. One draft bust after another. One promising season after another ending in a 4-12 record. Just an embarrassment.

Yet this tops it all. People are really excited about this??? We aren’t talking about a team kicking tons of ass, and its best player getting on Madden because the ad execs know he is a bad ass that will harden the cocks of the male video-gaming public faster than the Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman sex scene in Black Swan. We are talking about a guy that one of the shittiest, most downtrodden franchises in pro sports traded a former first-round draft pick for, and has only played one season for the Browns. It was a good season. Certainly not historic or worthy of any stories being told ten years from now. It wasn’t like they drafted this guy out of Ohio State, and he grew up in fucking Parma or something. I like the way the guy plays, but we probably need to wait a few seasons from now to see if he is worth cranking one off to. And let’s be clear about one thing: Look at the guy. The human body doesn’t look like his on its own. I’m thinking he has a shelf life of about 5 seasons, tops, in the NFL, given how he runs and the DNA-altering substances he is likely on. If you ask a Cleveland Browns fan about Peyton Hillis, I guarantee you that 40% of those polled will include in their response the following, “….gotta love….white boy…” And the icing on the cake is that he edged out ol’ dog-killin’ Mike Vick, aka Ron Mexico, to win the cover boy status. Yes Mike Vick. The guy who fucked around on his wife under the alias Ron Mexico and gave his mistress herpes. The guy who used to put dogs he raised as puppies into a tub full of water and then drop a live toaster in with them. The guy who was in prison. And sadly this is the state of the franchise: A large segment of its fan base is harder than a diamond in an ice storm because of this video-game popularity contest “victory”. Utterly and completely sickening. Every time I think things cannot get worse for the Cleveland Browns, this happens. And I’m not mad at any of these people. I have to respect that they’ve found a ray of sunshine in this dark pit of despair. But when you step back for a moment and consider what you are fired up about, it can’t get much sadder. The Cleveland Browns have lowered the bar, yet again. :(

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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