Whilst checking Facebook, Twitter, the Internet in general, and other media sources the past day I witnessed probably the most depressing thing I’ve lived through as a life-long Browns fan. Some Browns fans are amped as all fuck because Peyton Hillis was voted onto the cover of the upcoming release of Madden Football. It isn’t like he won the MVP or something. Fans voted him onto the cover. Of a video game. Fuck me runnin’. This is ground zero of being a Browns fan. And mind you, I’ve lived through the following:
-That horse-toothed fuck John Elway and “The Drive”. I was about 7 years old at the time, and when it was over my friend Jason Price and I knew enough at that age to go into his bedroom and start launching Tonka trucks all over the place, while crying our fucking tits off. If memory serves, Jason was also an accomplished swear-word artist at the time, though not polished. So I think the shouts went something like “John Elway Fucking Goddamn Hell Shit Ass!” And to be honest, if it happened again today, he might yell the same. PS–That field goal to win the game was fucking wide. Everyone knows it, even Mr. Ed.
-The Browns mounting a thrilling comeback in the second half of an AFC Title Game, again against Mr. Ed and gang, only to see Ernest Byner fumble the ball on the 1 yard line as he was about to score the go-ahead touchdown. That was more sadness than rage.
-Art Modell, one of the worst human beings on earth, like way worse than most child molesters and certainly more vindictive than Hitler, moved the team under cover of darkness and in most cowardly fashion to Baltimore.
-Everything since the team returned to Cleveland. One draft bust after another. One promising season after another ending in a 4-12 record. Just an embarrassment.
Yet this tops it all. People are really excited about this??? We aren’t talking about a team kicking tons of ass, and its best player getting on Madden because the ad execs know he is a bad ass that will harden the cocks of the male video-gaming public faster than the Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman sex scene in Black Swan. We are talking about a guy that one of the shittiest, most downtrodden franchises in pro sports traded a former first-round draft pick for, and has only played one season for the Browns. It was a good season. Certainly not historic or worthy of any stories being told ten years from now. It wasn’t like they drafted this guy out of Ohio State, and he grew up in fucking Parma or something. I like the way the guy plays, but we probably need to wait a few seasons from now to see if he is worth cranking one off to. And let’s be clear about one thing: Look at the guy. The human body doesn’t look like his on its own. I’m thinking he has a shelf life of about 5 seasons, tops, in the NFL, given how he runs and the DNA-altering substances he is likely on. If you ask a Cleveland Browns fan about Peyton Hillis, I guarantee you that 40% of those polled will include in their response the following, “….gotta love….white boy…” And the icing on the cake is that he edged out ol’ dog-killin’ Mike Vick, aka Ron Mexico, to win the cover boy status. Yes Mike Vick. The guy who fucked around on his wife under the alias Ron Mexico and gave his mistress herpes. The guy who used to put dogs he raised as puppies into a tub full of water and then drop a live toaster in with them. The guy who was in prison. And sadly this is the state of the franchise: A large segment of its fan base is harder than a diamond in an ice storm because of this video-game popularity contest “victory”. Utterly and completely sickening. Every time I think things cannot get worse for the Cleveland Browns, this happens. And I’m not mad at any of these people. I have to respect that they’ve found a ray of sunshine in this dark pit of despair. But when you step back for a moment and consider what you are fired up about, it can’t get much sadder. The Cleveland Browns have lowered the bar, yet again.