Say it Ain’t So, Joe

You know when you hear someone reference “Riding off into the sunset?”.  Well, this is the exact opposite of that.  In a matter of days Penn State’s reputation in the college sports world has gone from bastion of integrity and shining example of doing things the right way, to a place where young boys get their shit raped, in the fucking sickest, most vile manner you can imagine.  The Penn State football locker rooms and showers were just a Gimp shy of the “Zed’s Dead” scene in Pulp Fiction.  And who knows, for all the covering up the assholes in charge have done, there may have been a special locker in the facility where the gimp slept.  Joe Paterno had the most golden of opportunities to leave on a high note when in 2005 he won the Orange Bowl against Florida State and their own past his expiration date coach Bobby Bowden.  But he didn’t.  And now this.  His long time defensive coordinator, the man once in line to replace him at PSU, Jerry Sandusky is charged with various deviant sexual attacks on–at minimum–8 different boys.  And we’re not talking about PSU football players here.  We’re talking about young boys.  That couldn’t much defend themselves.  Who were attending a boys camp.  Run by Jerry Sandusky.  Fucking YUCKY.  I can’t even put enough :( ‘s in this post to express how vile this is.  On the one hand you want to feel sorry for JoePa.  He’s coached the Nittany Lions for 40+ years and is an institution in college sports, a god in State College, PA.  Although we cannot be sure of anything here, presumably he’s never raped any little boys.  He is now staring down being remembered as the guy who let boys get diddled in his locker room.  Whether fair or not, that is what will be left in everyone’s collective memory: JoePa let some dude bang kids in the locker room.  When Joe was told by a graduate assistant that he saw Sandusky in the shower with a 10 year old boy, Joe met his minimum requirement by reporting this to his employer.  With emphasis on “minimum requirement”.  Joe now says that he didn’t take it further because the graduate assistant didn’t give him details as to what he saw.  Fuck off Joe.  Even if this GA said, “JoePa, I just saw Sandusky in the shower with a 10 year old boy, doing what I believe was a Shakespeare in the Shower production of “The Rape of Persephone”", you coulda, absofuckinglutely shoulda done more.  I come from a family flush with law-talkers, and I know enough to realize that going to the police with only this information isn’t much, but….”Hey, this GA saw something that sounds real bad in our locker rooms.  I didn’t see it myself, and I know this is a fishing expedition at this point, but given the nature of what he says he saw, I want professionals to at least be aware.”  Boom, done.  JoePa wants to skate on this chicken-shit “He wasn’t real clear about what he saw in there”.  Well guess what Joe, ain’t gonna happen.  Just these three words should have resulted in a trip to the detective’s station: “Sandusky……Boy……Shower”.  Yeah Joe, you told your boss.  Good fucking job.  If I walked into the bathroom right now and saw one of our longest tenured employees in a shitter stall with a young boy, and somebody’s dick was out–anybody’s–I would walk into my boss’s office, say “Hey, apparently Touchy McKidrape is a diddler.  You might want to report this to upper management.  The next thing I am doing is walking out of this office and calling 911, FYI”.  And if it turns out this was a Thai hooker with a baby-face and a boy’s haircut, and this guy is authorized by the entity we work for to fuck people in common areas, well I can live with that mistake knowing that I erred on the side of not only caution, but human fucking decency.  Sure, probably an embarrassing moment when management takes me aside to tell me hey, Touchy is permitted to fuck people who are of the age of consent in our bathrooms.  Mind your own fucking business next time, shitheel.  Egg on my face for sure, but my conscience is crystal clear.  And I’m an absolute nobody.  Literally like 7 people know who I am.  I am in charge of nothing.  Nobody expects a goddamn thing from me.  None of this applies to you JoePa.  You see, when you hang on into your 80′s and become bigger than the program itself, and absorb all the love and adulation for being JoePa, the leader of men, the “every man”, the “doing it the right way guy”, well, you can’t fucking hide from the bad things.  You are Penn State.  As a result, when an underling tells you he saw your right-hand man of 3 decades of coaching and winning titles anal-raping a child on school property–football showers to be precise–you react in a manner befitting JoePa the Institution.  That does not mean you report “something” to your boss (and who is really your fucking boss Joe?  No one, that is who.  You run shit in State College.  Act like it.) and then forget about it for 9 years while a known pederast is cruising around campus any time he feels like it.  You think Woody Hayes would have reported something like this to the Ohio State AD and then went about his business and never asked why the police weren’t involved?  Hell no.  Woody probably would have gone to the deviant’s house unannounced one night with 6 lineman carrying pipes and blow-torches, locked the door behind himself, and asked the piece of shit if he’d made his peace with God.  If you had come up to me out of the clear blue sky one day 2 weeks ago, and said “Who in this world absolutely does not stand for banging young boys?”, there is a decent chance my first answer would have been, “Well, Joe Paterno sure as shit doesn’t stand for that sort of tomfoolery”.  But not this day Kemosabe.  It appears Joe Paterno does stand for that shit, so long as it doesn’t interrupt his pursuit of all-time Division I football wins leader Eddie Robinson.  Good for you JoePa, this shit didn’t hit the fan until a week after you eclipsed that all-important record.  Raped boys or no raped boys, you are Numero Uno my friend. 

And what, you might ask, would be an “appropriate response” for JoePa?  Here is the answer: Any fucking thing JoePa damn well pleased, as long as it resulted in NO MORE BOYS GETTING RAPED.  He could have literally done ANYTHING in that town, and no one would say bully about it.  When your graduate assistant tells you Sandusky is giving little ‘uns the ‘ol in-out in facilities you built with your national championships, you walk into a diner where Sandusky is enjoying his coffee, stroll over to his table, pull out a gun, and shoot him right in the goddamned face.  As the crowd looks at you in shocked silence, say “Eight year olds Dude” and walk right out.  Police would probably give you a medal.  “Thanks for saving the taxpayers the burden of prosecuting that piece of shit, Joe!” they’d say.  “Beat Michigan next week Joe” the crowd roars as you receive yet another key to the city. 

I really hope this finally puts into perspective Ohio State players trading their signature for skin art.  I truly hope it does.  I’m no psychologist, but I think most alumni polled would prefer that football players sign a poster and receive ink of Biggie and Tupac in Heaven on their back over disadvantaged young boys getting ass-slammed at summer camp in their football locker room, any day of the week and twice on Sunday.  I may be wrong on this, but I’d be willing to wager a hefty sum to back my answer on this one. 

I do not apologize for the length of this tome.  I do not.  We all lost this week.  Every last one of us.  If I cannot expect–no, actually if I cannot fully count on with no reservations–JoeFuckingPaterno going absolutely batshit Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” + Sly Stallone in First Blood x The Aliens in “Aliens”, all cubed, berzerker and having to be pulled off Sandusky’s jugular by police after he hears about kids getting raped in his locker rooms, then tell me this: What the fuck can I count on?

End of rant.  Really I’d like to say more, but I’ve got shit to do.  However, if someone tells me they saw someone bangin’ kids in the shower at my house, I will gladly stop what I’m doing and handle it like a grown ass man. 

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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3 Responses to Say it Ain’t So, Joe

  1. deadbug says:

    Good read :-)

    My personal thought is … hindsight is 20/20.

    He followed protocol by escalating the issue to the Athletic Director. Could he have done more? Sure.

    At the end of the day, and until we find out that JoePa was the diddler, let's be angry at Sandusky, and only Sandusky. He's the problem.

    Should-coulda-woulda … Shoulda-coulda-woulda.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Now you see why Obama was helped into office by all the dumb ass college students. He is an old fart whose only interested in winning football games, that he turns his cheek as young boys get raped in his locker rooms. Now the dumb ass students gather at his home to kiss his ass, praise him and sing for him to stay, not thinking of all the young boys getting fucked down the hall over the years while old Joe was worried about winning the next football game amd keeping his mouth shut to what was going on down the hall….

  3. Anonymous says:

    True that, most college asses never had a real job and dont know that in the work place everyone knows who is fuckin who, so for this to go on for years makes all of these assholes guilty. Now with ths students rioting and buring cars and crying to keep Joe P there, surely makes then twice the dumb asses they are..

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