Save the Date: May 21st, 2011

Its a RAPTURE mutherfuckers!!! Jesus and God and the Apostles and Baby Jesus and Mary and Peter and Mother Theresa and Michael Jackson and all those hard-chargin‘ sons of bitches swooping down out of Heaven like a fucking shitstorm, zapping the fuck out of the sinners and non-believers and Muslims and murderers and blacks and Mexicans and Lindsay Lohan and everyone else that is getting their shit fucked 7 kinds of up in the Armageddon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoooyahhhh!!!! In case you are some kind of goddamned idiot and weren’t aware, this May 21st is the Martha Fockering Rapture. It is Biblically proven (which is about 10,000 times more serious than scientifically proven) that Jesus will come again on 5/21/11 and lay waste to the Jews, Buddhists, Catholics, immigrants, secular humanists, animals, people who believe in dinosaurs and all the other total fucktard assholes who think that the Earth is older than 6,000 years. I am going to bathe in the tears of new mothers whose children have yet to be baptized on 5/21/11. I am going to piss upon the faces of Jewish people who run soup kitchens and Catholics who volunteer at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters centers, as the warriors of Heaven skewer them with white-hot spears. I will inhale the smoke of smoldering children who have no souls because they are 2 weeks old and have not been baptized unto the One True God, the One I believe in who is obviously the only fucking One and all others are poseur pieces of shit who will sit idly by with their dicks in their collective hands as Team Jesus liquefies the bodies of their misguided followers. I am going to place jugs of wine and loaves of bread on my roof for Jesus when he comes on Rapture Eve. I will leave hay and water for his flying camels. I will have cognac and skunk weed for Jesus and Mary Magdalene so better to help them get their freak on in the guest room of my house, on the futon. I will be laughing my fucking balls off at all the Athiests as I ride the Evangelical Express straight up to Heaven and they sit there on Earth with that “Oh shit, the creepy assed Jesus-lickers were right” look plastered all over their Chevy Chases. “The world is not going to suddenly end on May 21st 2011 based on a few wing-nuts indecipherable interpretation of a collection of fiction writings 2,000 years ago.” HAH! Fucking laughable mein! Have fun hanging out here on Earth, the piece of shit place you’ve lived your whole existence, while me and all the other borderline state-issued retards and ugly, social misfit creepoids that make your stomach turn every time you pass us on the street are going to be together partying our fucking tits off. Eat your hearts out morons!

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Save the Date: May 21st, 2011

  1. Anonymous says:

    Almost a full fucking week has passed since this supposed rapture event and every day I am still surrounded by the same assholes who I was all excited to have teleported the fuck outta here by the Big J and his daddy G-O-to the motherfucking D. What the fuck gives?

  2. Anonymous says:

    To the poster above, it's May 21st, not April…seems to be some confusion here.

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