I think we can be fairly certain, on January 25th, that Santa isn’t going to loop back around and make any sort of gift worthiness decisions based on the tackiness of your light display. The war is over for 2012 soldier, you won. As great as the perma-deflated giant blow up Santa with Reindeer looks lying in your lawn the last week of January, it is time to move on. No one would argue that your effort in watering that Christmas tree that died and started losing 279 needles per day, 16 days ago, is anything less than valiantly heroic. I’m sure the bards will be singing about it for another couple of centuries, minimum. But don’t you just want to walk from the kitchen to the living room once without getting stuck with a dried out, brown coniferous needle? It is time to make the trip down and back up the basement stairs with the dusty old ornaments box and the sawed off pvc pipe you wrap the lights back around to keep them from knotting. Sad? Only a heartless bastard would say no. But buck up little camper, Easter decorating is right around the corner. Everyone knew beyond a reasonable doubt by December 2nd that you had won Christmas. Now you are just rubbing it in. And no one likes that.
In your mind you might think you are still collecting residuals on your Christmas winning. But that is not the message you are sending about yourself and your family to the community at large. This is what you are actually telling the neighborhood:
-I don’t wash my sheets very often
-I likely have halitosis and try to cover it up with cheap breath mints
-Most days my kids eat microwave pot pies or fast food
-We drive a mini van
-Our laundry room is covered in clothes. On the floor, on tables, on the machines themselves. Some are dirty, some are clean, few are folded. Who knows what is what anymore, to be honest
-We watch each and every reality T.V. show known to man. We TiVo when they conflict with one another
-There are so many stains on the carpet it almost looks like it was meant to be patterned
-Our dog never gets groomed, there is dog hair fucking everywhere, and on occasion a pile of dog shit graces the tiled area next to the back door. Don’t worry, we’re gonna clean it up
-The garage has two holes that aren’t filled with hoarded shit. The cars just barely fit into them
-Got a kick-ass trip to Branson, Missouri, comin’ up in the spring!
-Our kids are either late, or don’t show up at all, to games they are supposed to play in. Doesn’t really matter, because they fucking suck anyway
-Solid deal on bucket of chicken at KFC today. Mashed comes with
-Got subscriptions to 17 different magazines
-The bluetooth ear piece synching perfectly with the cell phone on belt clip….so money!
-Just wear running shoes when golfing
-Backseat floor of car looks like empty fast food container graveyard
-Everyone in the family has titties
If this is not the way you want to represent your family to the town you live in, whether true or no, for the love of God, put away the fucking Christmas decorations already, would ya?