Persecuting Lance Armstrong is a Mistake

Do not misunderstand me: Lance Armstrong is a Class 1AA Asshole if ever there was one. He is as true a son of Texas as has ever lived. A maniacal, me-first, arrogant, Lone Star cocksucker in a class below none else. A truly elite prick from a state of elite pricks. Not only did this dickhole cheat his way to victory (which in my opinion would not satisfy my own conscience, but what the fuck do I know?) 7 times in a race designed primarily as a diversion for French people on a wine and cheese picnic, but he had high-priced lawyers chase down anyone who told the truth about his cheating like common Mumbai street urchins. It takes a special kind of mutherfucker to lie, cheat and steal, then also persecute anyone daring to call it like it is. In America we call people like that “Gangsters”. Kind of cool? You be the judge.

So why do I think we should lay off him? First off, he’s been outed so what is the point of further persecution? You’re a dick, every person on earth knows it now, most people hate you, and in your heart of hearts you don’t give a shit because you’re from Texas and that is just how you fuckers roll. So why waste valuable time and money beating a dead horse? More importantly this Type-A thunderfuck of an asshole HATES cancer. I hate cancer too, and even though I don’t much care for Lance Liestrong, I can think of very few others on earth I’d like to have doggedly pursuing a cure. Lance has no dog in the cancer “treatment” fight so he isn’t wasting time like so many others to line the pockets of the drug and medical corporations. This is no pinko-commie leftist conspiracy theory bullshit either. It is plain and simple….there is no cure for cancer of yet because there is next to no money in curing cancer. If you develop the cure you do get fame, ala Dr. Salk. Once the initial money is paid on a per-dose shot of cure, the money train has completely dried up. No more treatment billions for Pfizer, et al, or the medical community. That is the main reason it isn’t cured. There are decent people out there going for it as either a good human being or someone who wants to be remembered throughout perpetuity as the one who cured this generation’s plague. But most of those people are constrained by money. Not Lance. He was standing firmly entrenched at the intersection of wealthy as shit and tracking down a cure for cancer like Tommy Lee Jones tracking down Dr. Richard Kimble. We needed Lance on that wall. And now he is gone. All you’ve done today is weaken a nation. If you are willing to get blood fucking transfusions in the middle of a grinding, weeks-long bicycle tour that most people don’t give a fuck about, just to wear a douchey yellow windbreaker, then I cannot imagine what sort of back alley blowjobs you’d give to have your name associated with the scientist who cured cancer.

So fantastic work, media. You’ve now convinced the 3% of the world who didn’t already think Lance was a raging cheating asshole that he is in fact a raging cheating asshole, while at the same time striking down one of the brightest stars in the cancer war. I really can’t wait until my tax dollars are spent by a bunch of people who are as big of assholes as Lance, but with a fraction of the balls (Congress), to drag him into a congressional hearing dog-and-pony show to rehash once more what we all knew beyond a reasonable doubt. Vomit.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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