Do not misunderstand me: Lance Armstrong is a Class 1AA Asshole if ever there was one. He is as true a son of Texas as has ever lived. A maniacal, me-first, arrogant, Lone Star cocksucker in a class below none else. A truly elite prick from a state of elite pricks. Not only did this dickhole cheat his way to victory (which in my opinion would not satisfy my own conscience, but what the fuck do I know?) 7 times in a race designed primarily as a diversion for French people on a wine and cheese picnic, but he had high-priced lawyers chase down anyone who told the truth about his cheating like common Mumbai street urchins. It takes a special kind of mutherfucker to lie, cheat and steal, then also persecute anyone daring to call it like it is. In America we call people like that “Gangsters”. Kind of cool? You be the judge.
So why do I think we should lay off him? First off, he’s been outed so what is the point of further persecution? You’re a dick, every person on earth knows it now, most people hate you, and in your heart of hearts you don’t give a shit because you’re from Texas and that is just how you fuckers roll. So why waste valuable time and money beating a dead horse? More importantly this Type-A thunderfuck of an asshole HATES cancer. I hate cancer too, and even though I don’t much care for Lance Liestrong, I can think of very few others on earth I’d like to have doggedly pursuing a cure. Lance has no dog in the cancer “treatment” fight so he isn’t wasting time like so many others to line the pockets of the drug and medical corporations. This is no pinko-commie leftist conspiracy theory bullshit either. It is plain and simple….there is no cure for cancer of yet because there is next to no money in curing cancer. If you develop the cure you do get fame, ala Dr. Salk. Once the initial money is paid on a per-dose shot of cure, the money train has completely dried up. No more treatment billions for Pfizer, et al, or the medical community. That is the main reason it isn’t cured. There are decent people out there going for it as either a good human being or someone who wants to be remembered throughout perpetuity as the one who cured this generation’s plague. But most of those people are constrained by money. Not Lance. He was standing firmly entrenched at the intersection of wealthy as shit and tracking down a cure for cancer like Tommy Lee Jones tracking down Dr. Richard Kimble. We needed Lance on that wall. And now he is gone. All you’ve done today is weaken a nation. If you are willing to get blood fucking transfusions in the middle of a grinding, weeks-long bicycle tour that most people don’t give a fuck about, just to wear a douchey yellow windbreaker, then I cannot imagine what sort of back alley blowjobs you’d give to have your name associated with the scientist who cured cancer.
So fantastic work, media. You’ve now convinced the 3% of the world who didn’t already think Lance was a raging cheating asshole that he is in fact a raging cheating asshole, while at the same time striking down one of the brightest stars in the cancer war. I really can’t wait until my tax dollars are spent by a bunch of people who are as big of assholes as Lance, but with a fraction of the balls (Congress), to drag him into a congressional hearing dog-and-pony show to rehash once more what we all knew beyond a reasonable doubt. Vomit.