It doesn’t matter if you are a 14 year old boy walking down the hall of your high school hiding a boner with your Algebra textbook freshman year; a drunk frat guy; a 20-something associate at a law/accounting/marketing firm; a 30-something married guy with a baby at home; or an octogenarian upon the porch of the assisted living facility….Halloween weekend is your weekend! This is when every gal from Pismo to Provincetown, from Fond du Lac to Fort Lauderdale, and all points in between, come out of the woodwork and let their inner trollop run free. Here a slut, there a slut, everywhere a butt-slut! There is a slut to fit every personality: Slutty Nurse; Slutty Pirate; Slutty Snow White; Slutty Devil; Slutty Cat; Slutty Tiger; Farm Slut; Swedish Maid Slut; Slutty Blackjack Dealer; Slutty Kardashian Sister (Haha, tried to slide an oxymoron by you there, you’re too smart for that shit); Catholic School Slut; Slutty Angel (Or Victoria’s Secret model, if you’re nasty); Slutty Cowgirl; Slutty Princess; Slutty Bumble Bee; Slutty Teacher; Slut Witch; Vampire Slut; really only your own imagination can limit what kind of slut you can be that night. This is also what makes Halloween so dangerous. Women who use this one night each year to air their inner-strumpet grievances to the world cause shitfaced men to believe that just because they are jutting their ass out from beneath a mini-skirt in every Halloween photo they take like Little Red Riding Slut up there, that they want to be taken home and treated as such. Not so much. Sure, there are those who use this as free, honest advertising, and Crom bless them for that. But for most, this is an opportunity to act out some inhibitions in appearance only. Which leads to a lot of poor, rejected, bombed men who must then go home and smoke grass and watch original “Halloween” until their fucking eyes bleed. This can also lead to a lot of sexual frustration for those who do manage to get Kitten Slut back to their home, only to find out that if you want the milk, you’ve got to feed, water, and change her litter box for 3 months first . So be careful gentlemen; though a Sexy Leopard may lick her paws and purr at you all night, penetration does not this guarantee.
So all you lecherous bastards out there, let the slut parade begin! And if you’ve committed to going out with your significant other this weekend, I highly recommend a costume which necessitates a pair of dark glasses. Terminator, Top Gun, Cyclops from X-Men, Child Molester, whatever. You don’t want your wandering eyes to result in you losing out on guaranteed intercourse later that night. Everyone loses there.