I never saw it coming! I’ve never been surer of anything in my life than I was sure that Ted Williams would fly straight and only do good with his recent windfall. I mean, when you take a lifelong substance abuser and suddenly hand him a shitload of cash, you expect him to use it wisely. That is the social contract you enter into. If you can’t trust a guy in a surplus camouflage jacket living in a tent with another dude on the side of the road in a metropolitan area, with wild hair and summer-teeth, then who the fuck can you trust? When you are homeless, an alcoholic, a drug addict, have abandoned your family, and are giving blow jobs to closet homosexuals in Livingston Park for money to feed the gorilla on your back, you learn certain skills such as financial planning, moderation and parenting. So when you go from that, straight to $100 bills in your pocket with no in-between period, you should know what the fuck to do with it. So come on Ted Williams, you’ve let a lot of barely literate christian Americans down.
***Over/Under on when Ted Williams is either dead or in prison: St. Patrick’s Day, 2011