Notre Dame Versus Michigan Saturday!

GO AL QUEDA!!! I love watching this game each year in eager anticipation of watching a 747 careening into the 50 yard line at several hundred mph. I don’t know of two groups of more obnoxious, sense of entitlement having, condescending ass hats in college sports. They make Dukies seem incredibly humble. There are many differences but in the end they both suck equally. At least Michigan fans have gotten the memo, read it, and are putting cover letters on their TPS Reports which read “Michigan Football Currently Irrelevant”. If I were to take an Eastern European exchange student who knows nothing of college football and send him to a Notre Dame party and then ask him upon leaving “When did Notre Dame last win the championship?” he would say “It must have been last year, now can we go to disco?” Domers are convinced that denial is exclusively a river in Egypt. They live under the illusion that Notre Dame’s mystique somehow still matters to the types of athlete that wins championships. It is a sad, sad illusion. Big corn-fed white catholic mules ruled college football for many years, but their reign ended several decades ago. These days you need Kodiak bears which are not only huge, but can run 35mph in short bursts. And those bears want to eat fried fish on Fridays because fried fish is fucking delicious, and not because they have to. Domers can keep on ignoring modernity just like they ignored legions of pedophiles with their greasy hands inside the robes of altar boys, and drink like hell when they start adding more Hawai’i Bowl trophies to the case. Michigan fans on the other hand understand reality, but it doesn’t stop them from being first-rate wine-and-cheese tailgate party assholes none-the-less. They can take their Princeton Review approved degrees, untuck their sweatshirts from their dork jeans, and cram them right up their smug asses. Although they are cognisant of where they currently stand this does not prevent them from watching a win at home against historical powerhouse UCONN in the first game of the season and yelling to any and all, “Michigan is back!”. R-Rod is a good coach. A pure scumbag as well, but show me a relevant program without a scumbag coach. Anyway, he recruits undersized speed demons and nothing else. This strategy can work with a spread offense in the Big East, the WAC, maybe even on occasion in the Pac-10. You can surprise some teams with this but what you cannot do is run the table in the conference if you are in the Big-10, the Big-12 or the SEC. The Kodiak bears will eventually tear you limb from limb.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Notre Dame Versus Michigan Saturday!

  1. Aaron says:

    I always look for the best sentence in a Giles post. In this case it is

    “…untuck their sweatshirts from their dork jeans…”

  2. Nick says:

    As much as it pains me to say it, this is all pretty much spot on. I am a lifelong Michigan fan but cannot stand most other Michigan fans. Rodriguez could win 10 national titles and many U-M fans will still hate him because he's not a “Michigan Man”, whatever that means. They want to go back to Lloyd Carr quoting Kipling all the time. Well, sorry dudes, but if you want to win at a high level in college football you want a coach who has some scumbag qualities, not a guy who doles out Werthers.

    One demographic you forgot are the Walmart Wolverines – the ignorant U-M fans more like the majority of their Buckeye brethren. I know OSU and U-M are natural rivals, but it's their brainwashed fans who make me loathe OSU. Before every game I hope and pray OSU loses by 50, Pryor is reduced to a blubbering mess, and the FBI shows up at Tressel's door looking to seize his hard drive.

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