“Nothing is Fucked Here Dude. Come On, You’re Being Very UnDude.”

I’m totally kidding.  Everything is fucked.  Rioting in London.  Stock market going down faster than a Thai whore for a c-note.  U.S. credit rating downgraded (sorry, same principles for household financial management apply at the macro level as well).  U.S. Government is basically Milton from Office Space.  We’re one more governmental gridlock away from putting their office in the basement and asking them to grab a can of roach spray and start exterminating.  I’d be prouder of my kid if they were a drug dealer or Vivid Video fluffer than a U.S. Congressman or Senator.  Little kids are being murdered in Chicago on a daily basis.  Some brazen asshole walked up to a guy in downtown Chicago on Monday in broad daylight during afternoon rush hour and shot the mutherfucker in the head.  “Nothing is fucked?  NOTHING IS FUCKED?  The goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!”  And you know what?  Fuck it dude, let’s go bowling.  That’s what I say.  If you think anything you do is going to have any effect whatever on this clusterfuck, then have at it Hoss.  Fucking rail against shit on Facebook.  Fucking host a dick-licking MoveOn.org party at your house and sniff each other’s farts and talk about “Change” all night.    Blame the GOP.  Blame the liberal media.  Blame lack of morals.  Blame Lady Gaga.  Fellate Tom Brokaw by talking about how America’s “Greatest Generation” would storm the beach at Wall Street and kick all our asses if only they weren’t too old and dead.  Blame the Tea Party (in all seriousness, those fucking losers need to be exterminated like common vermin).  Go vote for one of the two major political parties.  As for me?  I will finish the game.  I’m playing violin on the bow of the Titanic while you throw deck chairs off it.  The ship is going down, “At least I’m enjoyin’ the ride…”

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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5 Responses to “Nothing is Fucked Here Dude. Come On, You’re Being Very UnDude.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    My new investment strategy – going long on blow, booze and firearms. I'm gonna get my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames…

  2. Anonymous says:

    the sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup at the deli

  3. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like a wise move, JP. Those three commodities have traditionally been recession-proof. Hookers also.


  4. Zach Giles says:

    If the armageddon happens, we seriously have to go to my parent's place. There is a huge area for a garden. Plenty of wild game. Fresh water. The place is surrounded by hills, forests, and a river, not to mention made of stone, concrete and steel. And don't forget, lots of guns. We'll just bring the blow, booze, and hookers in.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Your parents' place is just the kind of location asshole zombies are going to look first for fresh brains after Armageddon comes calling.

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