Movie Review: “Soul Surfer” Gets 4 1/2 Stars

Out of 100,000,000 stars.  The absolute worst movies get 1 star.  The best movies get 100,000,000 stars.  I give this movie 4 1/2 stars. I guess I’m not the target audience.  I’m not sure who is the target audience–maybe really, really, really fucking lame people.  What is amazing about this “film” is how quickly you end up rooting for the shark.  My biggest disappointment was that the shark never came back and killed everyone.  It was the only chance of saving the movie.  And please tell me, what in Sam Holy Hell is Dennis Quaid doing?  He is on heroin, right?  Dennis Quaid has to be feeding a silverback gorilla of a heroin addiction.  It is the only way to explain why he continues to agree to these powerfully shitty movies.  It can’t be that he reads the script and says, “Sign me up!”.  Dennis, we can get you the help you need.  But the first step is to recognize that you need help.  There was at least one winner in this movie–Helen Hunt’s body.  Way to keep it together Helen.  Obviously your career is fucked if you are starring in this movie and you’re serious about it.  But at least you’ve taken care of what you can control.  Kudos for that.  As far as the biggest loser in this movie–and it isn’t Dennis Quaid because he can’t control himself or this path of unwatchable Disneyesque movies he’s starring in because he is a known commodity–is undoubtedly Carrie Underwood.  What a virtuoso performance!  Wait, does “virtuoso” mean “A performance so utterly horrifying that you grabbed a poker from your log fire and immediately smote your own eyes out and could never experience a Carrie Underwood generated boner again in your life”?  If so, then this was a virtuoso performance.  Please, for the love of credibility, can we all agree that Carrie is never in another movie so long as she lives.  Jenna Jameson could have given a far more believable effort.  You have to respect that her Christian Crusader gang she was in charge of maintained that the protagonist’s arm being ripped off by a shark was “Part of God’s plan”.  I have never, and I will never understand this line of reasoning.  Why would God make something horrifically awful happen to you, in order for some other result down the road?  Is he that sadistic?  Is he the guy from “Saw”?  If I was trying to do some big things in my life, and hired a career coach, and he said “First step, we need to paint your arm with chum and have you stick it in this tank full of bull sharks.  After this, we’ll change the world, I promise.”  I would tell that guy to get fucked so fast you wouldn’t even see it.  How can you fall for this shit?  “God needed me to have my spine severed in a freak muskie fishing accident so that I could then see my purpose in life, which is to teach disabled children how to fish.”  Makes perfect fucking sense, roll with it brah.  But back to my point…Carrie Underwood, just focus on being cute and performing terrible music.  You couldn’t act your way out of a Mary Kate and Ashley film. 

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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5 Responses to Movie Review: “Soul Surfer” Gets 4 1/2 Stars

  1. Anonymous says:

    How did you get roped into paying money to see this debacle?
    -NP

  2. Zach Giles says:

    NP, these are the types of things which happen to a married person. They are what they are.

  3. Mat Rigg says:

    Rough, man. I looked up to you when I was short as a divine being for your independence and then you had to drag yourself down to this level by giving up your freedom to marriage. I occasionally weep to myself quietly because of this.

  4. Zach Giles says:

    Mat, it is a cautionary tale for sure. Someday so too shall you be confronted with this quandry. When you've chosen the path of righteousness as an independent, I will salute you. But don't assume yourself so strong.

  5. Anonymous says:

    It was cute…definitely Disneyesque..I didn't say it was winning an award! Geesh!

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