Missed Opportunity

I have been handed a golden opportunity to buy some jeans with a ton of shit on the pockets, and instead of grasping the moment, I’ve stood idly by with my dick in my hand as bolder men understood full well that they had a chance to become a party of history, rather than watch it happen. Today I realized the ship has officially sailed. I can’t go out and buy a pair of jeans today with a dragon on the pocket and pretend like I’ve been on the trend since inception. I just can’t–they’ll all know I’m a poseur. It has come full circle when you are in line at a lunch spot and you see several guys with dry-cleaned dress shirts tucked into pockets with a giant cursive “R” and metallic studs, or colorful dragons, and sometimes flap pockets with snaps. You sit there with your bullshit ass jeans totally devoid of pocket artwork and know that you are watching life as they are living it. And it makes you sad. On your deathbed you will not be able to smile as you recall the time you walked into that house party with your hair blown the fuck out and your multi-colored wave design back denim pockets POPPIN’. You will never know the confidence that comes from crushing Jager bombs with stitched horseshoes larger than your hand emblazoned on your ass. When a woman you’ve just had anonymous sex with looks at her bedroom floor and sees your pathetic jeans with maybe one measly stripe of same-colored lameness across the pockets, she’ll know that just like in her pursuit to make her father proud just one single, solitary fucking time in her life…she’s once again failed. Because in life there are great men with a Fleur-de-lis or crossed pistols and roses on their jean pockets. But under these great men there must always be meek, spineless men like me with pockets of indistinction. It makes me weep for my family. They deserve better.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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