Fact: Old people hate coughs. Absolutely terrified of a young(er) person coughing. Mortal fear. They’d rather the Japs come marching into their town square than be within a city block of a youngster coughing. Don’t believe me? The next time you are near someone elderly in public, just start coughing loudly into your hand and look at their face. It will be at the geometric center of the intersection of Disgusted and Petrified. I’ve seen it enough times to know this isn’t isolated but rather a shared fear of the elderly globally. They must believe the sole conveyance of the Grim Reaper is the exhaled coughs of people under 40. Despite you shielding your own mouth and turning your head away from an elderly person, upon the release of your cough or coughs, they will shield their own face and recoil in horror while shooting a sidelong glance at you as though you just turned off the Andy Williams record, threw on the Pandora Megadeath station, and started openly banging a girl not of your own race with pink hair and face piercings right in front of them. But don’t take it from me; try it for yourself. Los viejos odian toses. They know the viruses and bacteria carried by the young will storm through the gates of their weathered immune systems and lay waste to their body like Sherman through Atlanta. The chickens and pigs will be carried off, the barns will be torched, and the ladies will not be treated as ladies. They will under no circumstances risk your common cold being the final sword-thrust to fell them after a life which thus far has survived the end of the Great Depression, WWII, Hip-Hop and the staggered legalization of gay marriage, goddamnit. How dare you! How dare you have irritation of the tickling variety in the back of your youthful, contaminated, jizz-soaked, diseased throat! Show some decency and go cough somewhere in the middle of an uninhabited volcano crater. Doesn’t anyone have manners anymore? It is that confounded Rock ‘N Roll music, I know it! I told ‘em back in 1963, “You let the blacks start sittin’ next to us at Denny’s, next thing ya know kids’ll be coughing in the streets they will. Nobody listened to me! Now look at what’cha got: Its like a goddamned riot in the streets. Young peoples’ doin’ that damned ‘Macarena’ at the weddins and there’s spittle flying all over each and every Main Street in America! Country’s gone to pot. May as well have just rolled over and played dead and let the Reds coming marching into Washington D.C. if we’re gonna tolerate all this coughin’”.