What a PUSSY. MJ and Kobe can’t stop laughing at this complete and utter tit. 6’8″, 240lbs, runs like Secretariat, jumps like a kangaroo. Strong as a fucking ox. Has the heart of a 67 year old African American male from the deep south who is 80lbs overweight, has hypertension, diabetes, and has been eating 3 squares of fatback and cheese grits his entire life. Makes that lion in The Wizard of Oz look like fucking Bill Russel on steroids and cocaine. Clutch time rolls around, “King James” clinches up tighter than a virgin’s honeypot on prom night. Can’t wait to get rid of that ball. Forgets everything he knows about being awesome at basketball. Pisses down one leg, shits down the other. You give him the ball down 1 in the 4th quarter with 30 seconds to go, he cries for his mama. Unfortunately she is getting balled 6 ways from Sunday by Delonte West, so she can’t hear him. If it were the NBA Finals and Scottie Pippen would have even thought about dominating down the stretch, but then thought better about it and still passed to Mike….Mike would have known he considered it by the look in Pippen’s eyes. And after MJ won the game, he would’ve waited outside the arena after the game, underneath Pippen’s car, and when Pippen tried to open the door MJ would’ve taken out a blade and severed his Achilles. Would’ve spit on him as he writhed in pain and told him “Clutch time’s owned by MJ, mutherfucker”. King Lames couldn’t score on my grandma with the game on the line.
I have a one time, goodness of my heart, can’t miss deal for the Miami Heat: Sign me as an unrestricted free agent. They only have to change one small thing. I’ll play for league minimum. They can leave LeBron in the entire season, 45 minutes a game. I won’t do shit but wave a towel and get Gatorade for the starters. However, when they go deep in the playoffs, sub me in for LeBron for the 4th quarter. Boom, problem solved, titles won. Lots of ‘em. And you know why? Because I have fucking ice water in my veins. You are at the gym, the park, someone’s backyard court and our pickup game is 13-13, and you pass the ball to me, guess what happens? Drained 3, 15-13, us. Game over. Will translate easily into the NBA. I don’t give a shit if I miss, I’ll shoot it again. You know what I won’t do? Pass the ball, when I’m wide the fuck open, to some asshole who sucks. It will not happen. I want to hit the game winner. Makes me feel like a big man. I am 5’6″ and white as all hell. I am not fast. I have an average, at best, vertical. My handles aren’t what they were 15 years ago by any stretch. But I have the heart of a goddamn lion and I won’t puss out like King Lames. And as an added bonus, I’ll wear short shorts right off a poster from 1979. On every 4th quarter nailed three in the NBA Finals, you’ll know right where my balls are. You know what else you get? The sickest, low-down fucking nastiest 5’6″ white post game, possibly on planet Earth. So when you throw me the ball in the 4th quarter and I’m guarded by JJ Barea’s little ass, I WILL NOT throw the ball back to Dwayne Wade at half court. I WILL NOT get called for a charge. I WILL post him the fuck up and unleash an array of baby hooks, left-handed baseline fades, Hakeem turn arounds, and up-and-unders that will leave him punch drunk and begging for the bench. I’ll face him up, and as I’m faking right I’ll throw up an one-hand, overhanded with the left shot that he won’t even see go in the hoop. It looks like someone did a hard dribble and lost the ball, only you got scored on, bitch. I can post up dudes much taller than me. I would say that I will post up anyone, but after playing for several years against my friend Jed who is 6′ 10.5″, I now understand there are limitations to who I can post up. He recorded the kind of blocks on me that make your mom wince from 2 states away. I may possess zero of the physical tools that King Lames has, but I do have what he critically lacks: The heart of a goddamned lion. So Miami Heat, don’t let this opportunity pass you by. You can substitute me into NBA Finals 4th quarters for your Class 1AA PUSSY forward, and I will handle all the business he is too much of a PUSSY to handle on his own. And for a fraction of the cost. But please be aware that I will not listen to one fucking word that tits-on-a-bull Eric Spoelstra has to say about anything. Seriously, just stuff a fucking scarecrow and put it on the bench, it will add more value to the squad than does Spoelstra.