Its Official: Obama can go and Fuck Right Off

I’m so done with this mutherfucker. And it hurts. It really hurts. I bought the whole package, hook, line and fucking sinker. The charismatic, intellectual black man with the progressive agenda to navigate this American ship away from stormy seas and back onto a course of being Numero Uno. And not the kind of #1 by default because everyone else sucks. But the kind of #1 where a Kennedy brother shows up in your country, comes to your palace, drinks your scotch, and bangs the ever-living shit out of your trophy wife in the wine cellar while you sit in the drawing room smoking cigars and bragging about your U.S. Ivy League education with the other heads of powerless states. But alas, he’s nothing more than a public speaking dynamo who is no less of a whore to big oil than is Daniel Day Lewis’s character in There Will Be Blood. He had everything for me: A) Amazing public speaker. After 8 years of nails-on-chalkboard speeches from the dumbest, I mean the DUMBEST mutherfucker to ever take regular dumps at the White House, I was salivating for this silver-tongued, big-eared angel. Because ultimately what is the job of U.S. President? It is to basically be the Tony Robbins for America. And few speak more eloquently than Obama. B)He’s black. Well, kind of. I have a very deep-seeded feeling of white guilt regarding the black man’s place in the United States. I am sick to my stomach about the circumstances under which they were brought here. The fucking European savages sailing them to the western hemisphere to engage in forced slave labor on one hand while they shit from the mouths about their hypocritical “God” and the equality this new land they stole from Native Americans would afford to all….except of course the Indians, the poor, the blacks, the women, the Chinese, the Irish, and everyone else save wealthy, aristocratic, land-owning, protestant white males. I was excited for someone of color to finally be elected to the position of Head Honcho. Was I playing a bit of make-believe in thinking this to be the case? Absolutely. It wasn’t like we elected Malcolm X. He has an African father who fucked off shortly after he was born. He was raised, in Hawai’i, by white people from Kansas. I was raised by white people from Ohio, in Ohio. I’m not sure he is much blacker than I am. But he did significantly raise his street cred by marrying a black woman…….. C) Which brings me to my third point; his wife is kind of hot. An Amazon yes, but bangable to the max. D) He had a progressive agenda in line with many of my own beliefs. E) The other ticket featured a stupid old white guy with no ideas and a history of cancer coupled with a bitch so fucking stupid, she makes every one of those bitches from Jersey Shore sound like Stephen Hawking. And it isn’t even close. So I was also voting as much to keep these ass clowns out of office as I was voting to get anyone else into office. I swear to you, if Sarah Palin were to become president we’d all be sewing buttons onto khaki pants in a Chinese sweat shop so fast your goddamn head would spin. F) He is brilliant. At the end of the day you want the guy representing you to be smarter than you. I personally am not that bright. But if you looked at the podiums at the end of a game of Jeopardy with the contestants being Obama, me and G.W. Bush, the scores would be: Obama 27,500; Me 9,400; Dubbyah -97,200.

G) He rips dogs. In this day and age, it was refreshing to see Barizzle smoking butts right in everyone’s face. Pissing in the face of lung cancer.

But alas Obama betrayed me. The only way I’m showing up to the polls next year is if the Republican voting base is utterly retarded enough to vote Tits McGhee back onto the ballot. Then it is everyone with a brain’s civic, no not civic but rather duty to humanity as a whole to show up and ensure she doesn’t win. Because make no mistake, the Republican voting base is so colossally fucking stupid right now that if they showed up to a WalMart in West Virginia on a Saturday night, they would significantly LOWER the overall I.Q. of the joint. So this is possible. But if that doesn’t occur, I’m officially done. He’s bombing Libya one day, and talking about how his goal for the upcoming election is to raise $1,000,000,000. Yes, 1 Billion. Fuck you man. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about any of us. He cares about keeping his job. He cares about campaign contributions. He cares about the defense lobby. He does not care about Sudanese. He does not care about North Koreans. He does not care about anyone else lacking oil. My politics are most closely aligned with Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn and Rage Against the Machine. As RATM stated at Lollapalooza in 2008: “We are supporting Obama…..but if he doesn’t get out of Iraq and Afghanistan immediately, then fuck him too!”. Preach it Brother de la Rocha, preach it. My fantasy of someone storming into office and rolling some fucking heads is just that, a fantasy. The pathetic plans people are proposing are nothing but red herrings to divert our collective attention from the real business of American government, which is getting paid and keeping your job. These plans are to throw deck chairs off the Titanic while what we really need is someone below deck bawling the shit out of Kate Winslet. So congratulations Barack, you got me. Hope you are enjoying bombing Libya. If you need me on election day, I’ll be in the shitter. All day. PS–RATM did a killer rendition of “Testify” at the 2008 Lollapalooza. And if you weren’t there for it, well, you weren’t there, man.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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