It’s a CELEBRATION Bitches!!!

I got my double beer helmet, my beer bong, my bong bong, my money boxers, pocket full ‘o Magnums, rohypnol, “Who Farted?” t-shirt, and you fucking well know I pre-gamed!  Wait, what the fuck are we celebrating?  I’ll tell you what we’re celebrating: The official 10,000th page view of What Sucks Now.  You’re goddamned right son, 10,000 page hits and counting (and I waited to post this until we were safely past 10,000 enough to ensure that I wasn’t counting my own page views).  I still remember when this was a rinky dink little blog that no one read.  And now it is a rinky dink blog that a few, but not many, more people read.  How exciting!  I’ve decided, in honor of this momentous occasion, to open up the floor for questions from the readers to ask our reclusive blogger.  So without further pomp and circumstance:

Q: Why do you write this blog?
A: Because I’m fucking awesome.  Next question.

Q: How much money do you make from writing this blog?
A: Not one red fucking cent.  Isn’t that brilliant.  I spend hours of free time to entertain barely anyone, and I do it pro bono.  Isn’t that genius???

Q: Why do you piss away some of the best years of your life chasing money in an industry you have no skill set for, and yet not make much money, when you could do something you love and are proficient at and still not make much money?
A: That is a valid question, and here is the answer: Go fuck yourself.

Q: Would you have ever launched this non-profit, time-suck of a blog, without the persistent, always positive encouragement of your pal Andi?
A: More than likely not.  I would have continued to labor through angst-filled internal dialogues in the shower and silent tirades on the bus each day until eventually I had an early stroke due to the lack of outlet for my shitty attitude.  So Andi, this Bud Light Lime’s for you!

Q: How does your family feel about you tossing away valuable time each week writing to dead air?
A: Oddly, my wife is all for it.  She laughs at child molester and fart humor.  We probably wouldn’t be married if she didn’t.  Luckily my daughter isn’t old enough yet to realize how sad it is, and know that she isn’t getting a BMW for her Sweet 16 party.  Scout is an attention whore, and so long as I’m keeping him in lights, he’ll abide.

Q: Are you like the first person in the world to come up with the idea to start a blog?
A: Yes, but like all pioneers languishing in obscurity, some imitator assholes end up with all the glory.

Q: Do you mostly write drunk?
A: Not nearly as often as you think.

Will we ever get to 20,000 page hits, or am I going to focus my energy on something that actually earns money for my family?  Who knows, with an entrepreneurial mind like this, anything is possible.  For now, thanks for reading.   

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to It’s a CELEBRATION Bitches!!!

  1. Anonymous says:

    This is truly a joyous day. Praise Crom, for through Him all things are possible.
    P.S. – That's a lot of China…
    -JP

  2. Anonymous says:

    I regularly make a fool of myself in public places, giggling uncontrollably, at the your posts. I have awoken the baby, felt the awkward stares of strangers and reprimanded for not working for indulging in your rants. You bring your readers inexplicable joy for actually articulating those things we think but don't have the balls to say. Congrats on the milestone – I can't wait to see how far this goes. Thanks for the shout out. -a

  3. Dustin says:

    I think i might have offended coworkers while reading your Charlie Sheen post aloud. Buy whatsuxnow.com or some real url and get non beta and family page views, the world is waiting

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


− one = 2

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>