Iran, Please Shut the Fuck Up. Pretty Please

This Iran saber-rattling is going nowhere, fast.  The end result is bad for all of us.  But probably worse for you, Iran.  You see, what the These Colors Don’t Run, Fox News segment of the American populace–which unfortunately is not a small segment–don’t understand is this: While someone like you, or Iraq, may have nuclear weapons, or are in the ballpark of figuring them out, you do not have the ability to do a whole hell of a lot with them.  What I mean is, and what you know outside of all your dick-waving, you can’t really get them anywhere.  People are only told, or only want to hear, that Iraq is “Making nuclear weapons”.  They could care less that Iraq was at least 10 YEARS AWAY from being able to get a nuke to Tehran.  Let alone New York City.  They didn’t have the technology, nor were they close.  And neither are you.  So the morons are going to fall hook, line and sinker for “They are a nuclear threat”.  And guess what that means?  Shock and Awe, bitch.  I don’t want that.  I fucking hate Shock and Awe.  But you are just begging for it like a little slut.  Please don’t be a little slut.  I don’t want one more American terrorist attack on a country half a world away that I have to be associated with.  Despite the fact that we have intelligent leaders (not counting GW Bush of course), they are susceptible to dick-waving.  They see you telling us your dick is bigger than ours, and they can’t take it.  They have to whip out their dicks and show you it is an inch longer.  In the form of missiles you don’t want to know about, fired from shit you can’t even see.  If you keep running your stupid fucking mouth, all the “You wanna go?  You wanna fuckin’ go?”, you will leave the military-industrial machine no choice but to masturbate furiously in their little war rooms in Quantico, VA as the angry birds shit so much fire on Iran that the chorus of 1,000 wailing Iranian ladies will haunt my dreams. And then the leaders will heroically order our young men and women, a high percentage of which are poor and perfect percentage of whom are not related to them, into your country to occupy a populace that they can’t even hope to understand the culture of.  Why the hell do you want that?  Do you really think you’d put up even a half-assed fight?  I highly doubt you’ll play any better defense than Iraq.  It will be a slaughter, and in the end we’ll all lose.  The United States has no choice–no choice at all–but to make the world safe for big oil profits.

And really, we’re the least of your worries.  Your biggest concern, along with Syria and any other country full of testosterone-crazed men like it, who have so much rage because you can’t bang, beat off, look at porn or drink a fucking beer, is that someone makes the mistake of letting the dog off the chain.  And then you are all FUCKED.  I mean glass parking lot, nuked to hell and back, gonezo FUBAR.  What dog?  Israel, that’s who.  Shit escalates one day to the point of some American leader making the mistake of diplomatically telling Israel “It’s On”, and that is end-game.  They’ll nuke your shit so fast it will make Hiroshima’s head spin.  I’m not saying I agree with Zionism, or that I disagree with it.  But the fact is they’ve been pulling at their chains for yonks, and only the U.S. stands between them and your quick, fiery death.  They hate you, you hate them, and it doesn’t even matter anymore who is wrong, if anyone.  What does matter is that they have the weapons and the technology and the I Don’t Give a Fuck.  I really think you are getting lulled into a sense of false confidence by China.  But unless you are willing to start buying several billion dollars per year of their bullshit shoes, buttons, knick-knacks and fireworks, when shit hits the fan they are going to sit quietly and watch you burn.

So I’m asking you, from the bottom of my heart, please shut your stupid, obnoxious fucking mouth before it starts writing checks your military can’t possibly hope to cash.  America has fallen into a chasm of military spending and lobbyists that it can’t ever hope to climb out of.  Don’t become the next practice ground and money dump for the Pentagon.  Though sad, the ball is entirely in your court.  You have to understand that the United States came to drink some beer and kick some fucking ass.  And they’re just about all out of beer.  So quit bending over, pull your panties back up, and smooth your skirt down.    

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to Iran, Please Shut the Fuck Up. Pretty Please

  1. Shhh... says:

    Would you like Iran's cum all of your face?!! don't be shy we would like to fuck you up so pretty please zip your fucking month or we will zip it for ya.

    From Iran

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