If You aren’t with the Bulls Right Now, You are with the Terrorists

It is that simple. There is no moral gray-area in this NBA Eastern Conference Finals series. It is child-raping mass murderers versus a selfless team who spends all their free time inoculating impoverished African children against the 743 diseases that afflict them. If the Miami Heat win this series, Lebron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh are going to break down your front door and steal away with your daughters and have their way with them before selling them into the sex trade somewhere in Indo China. Bin Laden was rooting for the Heat, and if you are as well then off to Guantanamo with you Muhammed bin Jihad. Sure, Joakim Noah is very regrettable. I hate to have to root for any team which that idiotic transvestite belongs to, but such is the current situation.

How can one determine which Heat “Big 3″ player is most deplorable? It is like trying to decide between Pol Pot, Mao and Hitler as to who is the worst human being of the 20th century. Bosh is clearly the biggest loser, but sometimes he is almost too pathetic to actively hate. He is like that guy in high school who is a colossal douche bag, but he kisses your ass and lets you take his dad’s vintage Ferrari for drunk joy rides, so you tolerate the fact that you’d never be friends if he weren’t washing your balls all the time. Dwayne Wade is one of the biggest pussies in sports today. And I don’t have enough space on the internet to go into Lebron James. Anyone who bends his hometown over and crams an unlubricated 16″ black dildo in their ass, and then brags about it on national television that he himself scripted, well lets just say that Dante explains where this gentlemen is going to spend eternity–and it isn’t one of the first 6 circles.

So if you are an American; if you have a soul; if you think molesting children is wrong; if you do not support international terrorism; if you have a heart beating in your chest……then you must root for the Chicago Bulls. There is no room for interpretation in this battle of good versus evil.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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