If My 3 Month Old Daugther Doesn’t Start Sleeping Through the Night Really Soon, She’d Best Be VERY WARY of any Family “Vacations” to Florida

Because guess what sweetie, you can kill the fuck out of your babies in Florida, and don’t nobody care. As of now she isn’t sleeping so long at night. And if I decide my lack of rest is really cramping my party style, I might be planning a trip to “Disney World”. Only on this particular vacation, Disney World is a no-tell motel operating on cash only basis in a little-known corner of the Everglades, next to a very dark and remote swamp frequented by big assed chompin’ gators. So you might want to start rethinking waking up twice every night. Just saying. Daddy will be out sweatily dry-humping Casey Anthony on a dance floor, laughing our asses off at the Florida judicial system.

Seriously dude, Not Guilty? OJ Simpson is tipping a 40oz to these defense attorneys as we speak. And by “tipping a 40oz”, I mean “being forcibly sodomized by Latin Kings”. Just tell me why the “accidentally drowned” corpse was duct taped on the mouth? Because that is what you do when someone you really care about dies accidentally. You put duct tape over the mouth of the corpse, then hide it somewhere. I understand if you are sick and tired of the kid fucking crying all the time. But in case you were asleep during the frog dissection lab in high school biology, let me clue you in on one very important fact: Corpses can’t fucking talk. So you wasted a strip of perfectly good duct tape there. But hey, what the fuck do you want? You get 12 people together, all of whom aren’t cerebral enough to figure out how to get out of jury duty, and all bets are off.

If/When Casey is sprung from jail, I would not want to be a penis anywhere in a 5 mile radius of that batshit broad. She is going to go on a drunken skenk streak that would make Lindsay Lohan blush. Mark my words.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to If My 3 Month Old Daugther Doesn’t Start Sleeping Through the Night Really Soon, She’d Best Be VERY WARY of any Family “Vacations” to Florida

  1. Katie B. says:

    Well put ZSG. The pathetic and sickening thing about this is she will probably get a reality show or book deal, and profit off of being a horrible excuse of a human, and someone who should be rotting in hell. 31 days until she reported her daughter missing…my son was out of my eyesight for 1 long minute in Macy's, and I was in panic mode. She is a bitch, and I hope somehow Caylee gets justice.

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