I Am SHOCKED that Colorado Legalized Marijuana

And probably not for the reasons you’re thinking. What shocks me is that they had to spend money voting, and that it is even controversial to begin with. What a colossal waste of resources. A plant grows out of the ground. Some people harvest the flowering portion of it. They smoke it. They get stoned. These people RARELY get hurt. Where’s the fucking problem? The sun shines. Some people sit in it too much. They get skin cancer. These people FREQUENTLY die as a result. This is a fucking problem. Do we criminalize the reaping of the sun’s rays? Just give the government enough time and I’m certain they’ll find a way. The “marijuana is a gateway drug” crowd are assclowns, end of chat. You know what are equivalent gateway potential drugs? Beer, cigarettes, orgasms. I don’t see anyone criminalizing beer because the square crowd deems it acceptable. I haven’t heard any gnashing of teeth to start prosecuting masturbation because eventually some people will die during auto-erotic asphyxiation in an attempt to achieve the ultimate jerking off “high”.

Only losers smoke marijuana and lay around on the sofa eating Cheetos and watching cartoons. Real men get fucked up on whiskey at the bar and kill a family of 5 headed home from the ice rink because he wanted to see if his Camaro could pop wheelies. Get your shit straight, hippy! Smoke your reefer and sing about peace you useless tits while the real fucking men go kill and get killed by random southeast Asians for some nebulous concept like “stopping communism”! Make perfect sense? You are goddamn right it does. Real patriots get drunk and kill shit, sometimes humans. Pussy traitors to their country smoke pot and whine about not killing shit. Look it up, Moon Child.

Before you dismiss me as some spaced out stoner trying to talk his hobby into legality, know that I don’t even smoke weed. No damn good at it. I am rational enough to understand that it isn’t hurting anyone and ruining millions of lives like the legal drugs alcohol and nicotine certainly are. What is typically the worst outcome of a marijuana overdose situation, a fuckin’ large pepperoni pizza? Orange soda isn’t going to drink itself and neither are sober people. A good bell-weather question for people on the fence regarding the dangers of alcohol versus marijuana: If you and you alone were charged with the care of ten 22-year-old men (read: boys) for an entire night, and responsible legally, financially and morally for everything they did during that night, which would you choose; A) They are given an ounce of marijuana or B) They are given two handles of Jack Daniels? Well, what would you prefer? Ordering pizzas and turning out the lights after everyone passes out to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon playing over The Wizard of Oz; Or wrestling car keys from dudes screaming they “are fine”, intervening in fights with strangers, cleaning blood, puke and piss out of carpets, bailing people out of jail, and fielding pleas to “call that fucking guy who sells blow behind the bar!” until 5am? I know which direction I’m going.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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