Hey Fighting Irish, Great Effort

The Notre Dame downward spiral is still alive and thriving.  I don’t know when the entire program is going to be shooting heroin in the basement of a foreclosed and abandoned McMansion with a snuff porn playing on a stolen television set and alley cats eating the open needle sores on the passed-out people’s arms while one of the junkie cheerleaders is shaking an OD’ing player screaming “You promised me the American dream goddamn you!”, but the day cannot be far away.  It has gotten to the point where I no longer dislike Notre Dame football.  I feel really bad for them and wish that they maybe could win $20 on a scratch-off lotto ticket or find a dollar bill on the ground or something.  It is like watching “Requiem For A Dream” at this point.  I’m cringing, awaiting the inevitable “ass-to-ass!” scene.  I barely even remember when Notre Dame was still respectable.  Was Clinton president then, or was it still Bush I?  Regardless, I was in middle school at the time.  And now….they are losing at home to South Fucking Florida in their season opener.  Who can you schedule for a sure win at this point?  Not the service academies.  Maybe the Fighting Irish should schedule some Ivy League schools.  What seemed to help matters was Brian Kelly turning into a complete and total panic merchant on the sideline.  But does it really matter anyway?  The fans need to be entertained by something, so maybe Kelly’s sideline theatrics are the best they can hope for on the way to another 6-6 season.  Things aren’t going to get any better this week.  I am by no means queueing up with all the other reactionaries to chug Brady Hoke’s cock on the Michigan sideline with his sub-.500 career coaching record of 47-50, based solely on his handling of mighty Western Michigan in the home opener last week and the fact that he is a “Michigan Man”.  That being said, Notre Dame is walking into the first night game in the long history of The Big House.  The fans are going to have an entire day of getting tuned up at wine and cheese parties and sniffing their own farts, so needless to say the stadium will be a total snake pit come 20:00 EST.  Good luck fish-eaters.  I think the best chance for Notre Dame to return to respectability would be for the Big 10 to absorb Toledo, thus opening up a spot in the MAC for Notre Dame. 

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to Hey Fighting Irish, Great Effort

  1. Anonymous says:

    I love the dejected ND player pic, but this one would have been great also:

    http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQhwPL7XRGQxpDHvKDWyJoGnEw3ILzr45hCJneYh6rukempaQhcEg

    -NP

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