Hey Barack, Thanks for Ending that War in Iraq Like You Hinted Around that You Would

Cats are still all over that joint, getting their dicks blown off. Country isn’t one goddamned inch closer to governing itself, and do they even want to? Democracy doesn’t work for everyone, get over it. And while we’re at it, solid work escalating the clusterfuck in Afghanistan that is similarly going nowhere fast.

I’m really the aggrieved party here. I was going to write in Lawrence Taylor for president and mail it in back in 2008. Instead, based primarily on my confidence that he’d end the oil theft in the desert, I got my ass out of bed early and waited in a fucking obscene line to vote for the black Tony Robbins. What a waste of my morning. Rest assured I won’t repeat that mistake in 2012. My time would be better spent shooting crank into my toenails with toothless hillbillies in a Red Roof Inn underneath a highway overpass in Huntington, West Virginia.

I can sum up American Governance by quoting one scene from an episode of The Simpsons: Krusty the Clown is voted into the House of Representatives by the citizens of Springfield because he swore that he would have planes rerouted so they no longer were a noise pollution issue. When he fails to do this, the Simpson family tracks him down in Washington. They find Krusty sitting in a bar on Capitol Hill completely pissed on a bottle of Bourbon. Lisa yells at him, “Krusty, you didn’t keep your campaign promise!”. Krusty responds with, “Did I promise to become a whore for big oil?”. Poignant.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to Hey Barack, Thanks for Ending that War in Iraq Like You Hinted Around that You Would

  1. Nick says:

    My fear is that the failings of this administration will be an excuse to drive the country backwards. “We gave them their chance, and they screwed it up…we need to get back to good old fashioned values again.” It's already well underway. The ironic thing is that it's the baby boomers, who have been little better than a horde of locusts, that are leading the charge. The “good old fashioned American values” that really WERE good haven't been embodied since the Greatest Generation.

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