Here’s to Wishing Terrelle Pryor the Worst Life has to Offer

Terrelle Pryor arrived at Ohio State Football one of the most highly touted recruits in history, for any school. He leaves a pariah. As Lenin once said after betrayed by Trotsky, “You are an un-person”. Not only self-absorbed to an extreme, Pryor was also about as sharp as a greased bowling ball. After getting a beloved coach fired for protecting his stupid ass, he flees the scene like the principle-less pussy that he is. I sincerely hope that someday, after spending his NFL bonus and all paychecks on ice and rims until he owes money all the fuck over town, and his dead-end career flounders because people finally realize he can’t throw a football off the Santa Monica Pier and hit water, that he eventually ends up giving hand jobs for cash next to a dumpster behind a Flying J truck plaza on the Pennsylvania turnpike. I cannot think of many other humans who are 6’6″, 240lbs, who can run a 4.4 40yd and jump out of a gym. I also cannot think of many dumber than Terrelle. I should have known, after one of his first games when they barely beat Navy and Terrelle was hounded by the media for wearing “Mike Vick” eye black, and answered something to the effect of “Everybody steals, everyone kills people….”, that this was destined to end in tears. I just didn’t know how tearful the end would be. Like Old Yeller sad. I can’t wait to see his scores on the Wonderlic test for NFL quarterbacks. I’d bet on a well-trained Labrador retriever to score higher. So congratulations TP. You bankrupted a program likely leading to probation, you got a local icon sent packing, and you won zero national titles. Good luck making reads on a Bill Belichek or Rex Ryan defense. And if you ever find yourself in the open field against Baltimore, I hope ‘Ol Murderin’ Ray Lewis “sweeps the leg”.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to Here’s to Wishing Terrelle Pryor the Worst Life has to Offer

  1. Anonymous says:

    Not only is this guy a moron, but also a complete sociopath whose radius of giving a fuck extends exactly 0 ft from his own self in all directions. The Saskatchewan Rough Riders have acquired his negotiating rights should he choose to go to the CFL…I daresay Regina is too good for this asshole. He should be forced to spend the rest of his career north of the Arctic Circle, tossing wobbly passes to harbor seals and trying to get hookups from the local Inuits.

    I am so glad he didn't end up at Michigan. This is like finding out the hot chick you unsuccessfully made a play at has a screaming case of herpes. You're not overly shocked since she always seemed like a slut, but you can't help but feel you dodged a bullet.

    NP

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