Happy Thieving Genocidal Maniac Day Everyone!

I feel very strongly that I have a civic duty to announce on Columbus Day exactly what we Americans are celebrating. I lack the words to improve in any way those directly from the horse’s mouth. The below is an actual entry from Christopher Columbus’s journal contemporary with his landing in the Bahama Islands and encountering the Arawaks, they being the native peoples:

“They… brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears and many other things, which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawks’ bells. They willingly traded everything they owned…. They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features…. They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane…. They would make fine servants…. With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”

Wow, what more can you say? You have no choice but to respect a mutherfucker who says “I’m going to exploit, enslave, and outright murder a population because they seem too goddamn nice to stop me”, and then goes out and exploits, enslaves, and outright murders a population because they are too goddamn nice to stop him. Do what you say you are going to do, I guess? I said I was going to lose 10 pounds this summer and I lost zero pounds this summer, kind of puts my lack of resolve into perspective, huh?

I am always at a complete loss on Columbus Day as to why we continue to celebrate this cocksucker. Let’s get together and keep the banking/school holiday, rename it Go Take a Walk in the Woods and Enjoy the Fall Foliage with your Family and Pets Day, and be done with it. Was ol’ Chris a crazy-assed adventurer with giant brass balls? Absofuckinglutely. Was he also an extremely evil person infected with one of the worst cases of insatiable greed in recorded history? In spades. I’m not saying they are innocent of exploitation entirely but could we at least switch it to Lewis & Clark Day? I’d feel a lot less like taking 20 showers on the second Monday of October each year if we could just name it Lewis & Clark Day. I don’t want to hear about what a great guy Christobol was; I want to listen to this: Sleep Now in the Fire

Enjoy your day off, play with your kids, go nuts. Just don’t buy into this bullshit. Christopher Columbus is nothing more than Pol Pot, Mao, Hitler, Stalin, but with a great P.R. team. *This could just be sour grapes on my part. I work in the financial industry yet I’m part of the 10% of the financial industry that doesn’t get the day off. If Columbus had been responsible for maybe just 100,000 more deaths I think I’d have the day off, but it would seem he stopped just short. So double fuck you Christopher, ya prick.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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