I feel very strongly that I have a civic duty to announce on Columbus Day exactly what we Americans are celebrating. I lack the words to improve in any way those directly from the horse’s mouth. The below is an actual entry from Christopher Columbus’s journal contemporary with his landing in the Bahama Islands and encountering the Arawaks, they being the native peoples:
“They… brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears and many other things, which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawks’ bells. They willingly traded everything they owned…. They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features…. They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane…. They would make fine servants…. With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”
Wow, what more can you say? You have no choice but to respect a mutherfucker who says “I’m going to exploit, enslave, and outright murder a population because they seem too goddamn nice to stop me”, and then goes out and exploits, enslaves, and outright murders a population because they are too goddamn nice to stop him. Do what you say you are going to do, I guess? I said I was going to lose 10 pounds this summer and I lost zero pounds this summer, kind of puts my lack of resolve into perspective, huh?
I am always at a complete loss on Columbus Day as to why we continue to celebrate this cocksucker. Let’s get together and keep the banking/school holiday, rename it Go Take a Walk in the Woods and Enjoy the Fall Foliage with your Family and Pets Day, and be done with it. Was ol’ Chris a crazy-assed adventurer with giant brass balls? Absofuckinglutely. Was he also an extremely evil person infected with one of the worst cases of insatiable greed in recorded history? In spades. I’m not saying they are innocent of exploitation entirely but could we at least switch it to Lewis & Clark Day? I’d feel a lot less like taking 20 showers on the second Monday of October each year if we could just name it Lewis & Clark Day. I don’t want to hear about what a great guy Christobol was; I want to listen to this: Sleep Now in the Fire
Enjoy your day off, play with your kids, go nuts. Just don’t buy into this bullshit. Christopher Columbus is nothing more than Pol Pot, Mao, Hitler, Stalin, but with a great P.R. team. *This could just be sour grapes on my part. I work in the financial industry yet I’m part of the 10% of the financial industry that doesn’t get the day off. If Columbus had been responsible for maybe just 100,000 more deaths I think I’d have the day off, but it would seem he stopped just short. So double fuck you Christopher, ya prick.