Happy (Belated) Mass-Murdering Genocidal Asshole Day Everyone!

I apologize for being a day late on this, but we’ve been having Internet issues at What Sucks Now world headquarters.  The IT department has been sacked, and we’re hoping to be fully operational again real soon.  Columbus Day is truly one of the great American holidays.  I’d like to offer my favorite Christopher Columbus quote to commemorate all of his great accomplishments.  And please keep in mind, this is taken directly from his journal, shortly after landing on Hispaniola.  In Chris’s own words:

“They … brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears and many other things, which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawks’ bells. They willingly traded everything they owned… . They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features…. They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane… . They would make fine servants…. With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”

Now this is a fuckin’ guy we can all feel good about.  I’m so goddamned proud that we’ve set aside a day to celebrate this complete and utter fucking asshole and megalomaniac, not to mention unapologetic genocidal thief.  Think about the staggering number of peaceable native peoples who died as a result of this fuckstick.  Please tell me, and be honest with yourself, how this is ANY different than if Germany were to declare a civic, banking, and school holiday to celebrate Adolf Hitler Day?  Seriously, how would it be different?  Both were responsible for the cold, calculated deaths of millions of people.  Both knew exactly what they were doing, in fact wrote about it in journals.  But we celebrate Columbus like some guy that rode into town on a white horse and liberated millions.  In a way he did; he liberated them from their land, their possessions, their families and their lives.  But he is celebrated because he made it possible for white people to arrive, steal, murder, and then claim an entire continent as “theirs”.  And since these very same white people are now in charge of history books and government, they tell filthy, dirty lies to our youths proclaiming CC a “great man” and “discoverer”.  Ask someone from Scandinavia how they feel about CC’s status as “discoverer”.  Ummm, sorry bro, but Leif Eriksson landed on the Western Hemisphere a couple centuries before you.  Unfortunately prior commitments prevented Leif from slaughtering all the natives as was surely his intentions.  But he still beat your ass in that particular race. 

And here folks is the reason I could never become a high school history teacher as I considered, and according to my mother’s wishes.  Can you imagine the “These Colors Don’t Run”, Dale Earnhardt “Angel Wings on #3″, and Calvin pissing on the Toyota symbol bumper sticker crowd that would arrive at my office on Parent-Teacher Conference night as soon as they found out I’m teaching their kids the truth rather than the government-approved horseshit from the textbook company?  They’d run my commie/terrorist ass out of town, tarred-and-feathered, on a fucking rail.  Hillbillies would show up with pitchforks and torches, adorned in Stars and Bars regalia, demanding that I be burned at the stake.  I wouldn’t last a year.  Hell, I might not literally live through 1 quarter.  Which brings up an interesting point…..Do I try to teach my own daughter some day about the factual story of our own history, or just let it go as “Ignorance is bliss”???  This is a serious inquiry.  On the one hand, I don’t want her to conduct self-directed reading some day and discover the truth on her own and then come at me with “Dad, why didn’t you tell me?” and break my goddamed stone cold heart.  But then again, do I want her raising her hand in 6th grade and kindly informing the teacher that Thomas Jefferson banged and had a bastard child with his house slave Sally Hemings, and also died in massive debt?  I’m rather sure she will be victim to many a savage beating on the playground by the children with IQs of 90 who proclaim her a “Traitor to our country”.  So it is a really difficult decision.  I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, and the route I take will likely be heavily correlated to my state of intoxication at the time.      

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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3 Responses to Happy (Belated) Mass-Murdering Genocidal Asshole Day Everyone!

  1. Anonymous says:

    “With fifty men we could subjugate them all…”
    As long as only native peoples are subject to the genocide you launched you still qualify for a national holiday. It is a disgrace that such an individual is celebrated and that history is rewritten in his favor.

    Zinn should be required reading in highschool.

    -JP

  2. Zach Giles says:

    Could not agree more JP. Should be standard-issue sophomore civics.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hey I liked not having to work on Monday. Shut up. -drb

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