I apologize for being a day late on this, but we’ve been having Internet issues at What Sucks Now world headquarters. The IT department has been sacked, and we’re hoping to be fully operational again real soon. Columbus Day is truly one of the great American holidays. I’d like to offer my favorite Christopher Columbus quote to commemorate all of his great accomplishments. And please keep in mind, this is taken directly from his journal, shortly after landing on Hispaniola. In Chris’s own words:
“They … brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears and many other things, which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawks’ bells. They willingly traded everything they owned… . They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features…. They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane… . They would make fine servants…. With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”
Now this is a fuckin’ guy we can all feel good about. I’m so goddamned proud that we’ve set aside a day to celebrate this complete and utter fucking asshole and megalomaniac, not to mention unapologetic genocidal thief. Think about the staggering number of peaceable native peoples who died as a result of this fuckstick. Please tell me, and be honest with yourself, how this is ANY different than if Germany were to declare a civic, banking, and school holiday to celebrate Adolf Hitler Day? Seriously, how would it be different? Both were responsible for the cold, calculated deaths of millions of people. Both knew exactly what they were doing, in fact wrote about it in journals. But we celebrate Columbus like some guy that rode into town on a white horse and liberated millions. In a way he did; he liberated them from their land, their possessions, their families and their lives. But he is celebrated because he made it possible for white people to arrive, steal, murder, and then claim an entire continent as “theirs”. And since these very same white people are now in charge of history books and government, they tell filthy, dirty lies to our youths proclaiming CC a “great man” and “discoverer”. Ask someone from Scandinavia how they feel about CC’s status as “discoverer”. Ummm, sorry bro, but Leif Eriksson landed on the Western Hemisphere a couple centuries before you. Unfortunately prior commitments prevented Leif from slaughtering all the natives as was surely his intentions. But he still beat your ass in that particular race.
And here folks is the reason I could never become a high school history teacher as I considered, and according to my mother’s wishes. Can you imagine the “These Colors Don’t Run”, Dale Earnhardt “Angel Wings on #3″, and Calvin pissing on the Toyota symbol bumper sticker crowd that would arrive at my office on Parent-Teacher Conference night as soon as they found out I’m teaching their kids the truth rather than the government-approved horseshit from the textbook company? They’d run my commie/terrorist ass out of town, tarred-and-feathered, on a fucking rail. Hillbillies would show up with pitchforks and torches, adorned in Stars and Bars regalia, demanding that I be burned at the stake. I wouldn’t last a year. Hell, I might not literally live through 1 quarter. Which brings up an interesting point…..Do I try to teach my own daughter some day about the factual story of our own history, or just let it go as “Ignorance is bliss”??? This is a serious inquiry. On the one hand, I don’t want her to conduct self-directed reading some day and discover the truth on her own and then come at me with “Dad, why didn’t you tell me?” and break my goddamed stone cold heart. But then again, do I want her raising her hand in 6th grade and kindly informing the teacher that Thomas Jefferson banged and had a bastard child with his house slave Sally Hemings, and also died in massive debt? I’m rather sure she will be victim to many a savage beating on the playground by the children with IQs of 90 who proclaim her a “Traitor to our country”. So it is a really difficult decision. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, and the route I take will likely be heavily correlated to my state of intoxication at the time.