Four Loko can go and Four Fuck Itself

Seriously, look at the goddamned advertisement. You’re going to drink this shit? Well then, you deserve everything you get, from a pants full of shit all the way up to and including a lack of heartbeat. Everyone is fucking everyone else right up the ass to try and be the most EXTREME!!! these days. You know what is most EXTREME!!! ? Drinking this monkey jism until you fucking quit breathing. So go for it University of State School ’13, Valhalla beckons. Odin awaits you in Asgard with an eternity’s supply of Mountain Dew, Four Loko, jet-fuelled dirt bikes and heavy metal snowboarding halfpipes with some other extreme mutherfuckers. You can all catch major air while chugging non-coffee caffeine right into oblivion.

I have never actually tried Four Loko, and you can bet your bottom fucking dollar that I never will. However I know this much for absolute certain: It tastes like your dog’s asshole. Why would you keep drinking it? Several years ago I was going to a college campus with 3 other guys to visit one of their brothers who was still in school. Our friend Brad brought this devil’s brew of vodka mixed with a greenish-hued energy drink concentrate he bought from a Korean market. I can’t read Korean, but I’m pretty sure it was called “ThunderFuck”. I choked down one drink on the ride. I was both crunk and felt like I’d smoked a jumbo with Pooky from New Jack City. It tasted like failure and Brad was getting alarmingly drunk and loud. I decided I’d have no more. When we arrived at the college, Brad was quickly vomiting blood behind the residence hall. I knew then I wasn’t drinking that bullshit again. So if you drink a can of Four Loko once I can forgive you. But if you wake up with pissed pants and your roommate is getting his stomach pumped and you drink it again, well that’s called “Thinning of the herd”. If it isn’t the Four Loko in 2010 A.D. taking you down, it would have been the saber toothed tiger you were throwing rocks at in 20,010 B.C. Carpe diem, jackoff.

I’d love to pass judgment and say that all you need is a 6-pack of heavy beer and a couple of hits off the bowl, and you’ll be pleasantly wasted yourself and can piss on the faces of the passed-out dudes with labored breathing who chugged Four Loko three hours earlier, at your leisure. However if I am being honest with myself I know that if Four Loko existed in 1997 I would have been the first asshole in the dorm down on one knee ripping a beer-bong full of this nonsense.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Four Loko can go and Four Fuck Itself

  1. NP says:

    I figured this out sophomore year when I decided that a handle of Korski vodka and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew would be a good combination. Ill-advised, to say the least.

  2. Anonymous says:

    “However if I am being honest with myself I know that if Four Loko existed in 1997 I would have been the first asshole in the dorm down on one knee ripping a beer-bong full of this nonsense.”

    Ain't that the truth…


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