Fast and Fit Coaching: The Fitness Yoda Cometh

There is a vast ocean of diet and fitness advice available to the world in any media you desire; most of it is pure, unadulterated shit. Sadly shit is what most seek. There are some who know the truth: You must use The Force if you want to run faster, become stronger, achieve better health and vaporize your fat body gut for good. The Force, much like salvation, lies within. I was not born with speed. Those who know me understand I was not born with size. I posess average strength. Sadly I do, in spades, have the metabolism of a 90 year old woman, sleeping. Luckily I also have a well above-average threshold for mental and physical suffering. That feeling when you are running long and hard and your lungs start to burn and you hurt and want to just shut it down…..that feeling is like a hit of crack for me. I don’t think this makes me cool or in any way superior, maybe just a touch insane. I also harbor a deep-seeded and morbid fear of becoming fat. Perhaps being vertically challenged and losing my hair I realized that to also be fat would doom me to the life of George Costanza. I have been a gym rat for 21 years now. I’ve been many things in those years, some good, often bad, but being in the gym and on the road were anchors through it all. I’ve read so much fucking literature on diet and exercise that I feel an accredited university should at this point award me an honorary doctorate in Exercise and Nutrition Sciences. Because I’ve read widely and experimented exhaustively I have an innate sense for detecting bullshit. For example any diet that says you should crush meat and fat 24/7 and eschew fruit and vegetables, written by an obese guy with heart disease, is bullshit of the highest order. My point is that I don’t fall for fads and eating plans with extremely dubious science behind them. When you spend as much time as I have in gyms over the years you are also exposed to dozens, if not hundreds, of personal trainers. I’ve seen and listened to them all. From the ultra fit trainer I’d like to be to the juice monkey who just wants to lift for free and have a ready market to sell his testosterone derivatives, all the way down to obese pals-for-hire that for the life of me I cannot figure out why someone would pay to tell them what to do in an area they clearly cannot manage themselves. I’ve witnessed the good, the bad and the ugly. Enter Mike Thomson, his wife Angela, and their company FastĀ & Fit Coaching LLC.

I originally found Mike through my wife, via our neighbor. I wanted to learn how to properly run on my fore to mid foot rather than my heel. That story is fairly boring but suffice it to say that Mike showed me how to use The Force in four sessions. I cured knee and hip pain in four hours with Mike that were previously unfazed by years and years of orthotics, MRI’s and various over-the-counter pills that amounted to a hill of shit. I sought Yoda and Yoda is precisely who I found. Mike does not merely show you how to fitness. Mike helps you to find within yourself the person who can achieve total fitness. Although I’m sure Mike would do whatever you paid him to, he is not the kind of trainer fat lonely gym members hire to watch them go through the motions, never break a sweat, and listen to their incessant whining about their non-existent love life, parents, job or imaginary friends. If this is what you want, again I’m sure Mike would do it, but you should check out GloboGym or equivalent and find yourself a trainer who is also fat. They have plenty of them. I like my trainers to be physically superior to me. Mike competes on the U.S. National Triathlon Team, runs marathons faster than most of you could run a half of one, looks like he eats lead and shits bullets, and waxes eloquent about fitness and nutrition like Matt Damon talks books in Good Will Hunting. His wife Angela, to my understanding, brings a wealth of knowledge on the nutrition side, and is also the Cross Country coach at Chicago Latin School. For those who don’t know Chicago Latin is where people who wipe their asses with $100 bills send their kids, so you know she’s good; not only would they be intolerant of a shitty coach, they might just have them killed. Early this past August I was fortunate enough to spend 55 minutes with both of them in their “office” in the Gold Coast.

I made a joke prior to our meeting to the effect of “Are you going to make me strip down to my underwear and stand on a table while you both circle my fat with a black marker?”. Mike responded with “Yeah, wear something pretty and be ready to talk about your feelings”. So I walk into a very small office space within a gym where I’m meeting Angela basically for the first time. I did not wear my “money” clothes or underwear, I was high body fat, at least for me, and had not done any recent “manscaping”. Within minutes my shirt is off, my shorts are around my ankles, I’m face-down on the floor, and Mike has a pair of pincers taking fat readings from about 15 different places on my body like he’s fit and tying a fucking pig. I almost squealed but had visions of Ned Beatty in Deliverance. He broadcast the measurements to Angela who plugged them into, I don’t know, www.fatpigspreadsheet.com, so they could get a pin-point of my current body fat. Now don’t worry if you are self-conscious. This isn’t something they do to everyone who walks through the door. If you are having flashbacks to sorority hazing in college sending your self esteem into a spiral of alcoholism and high-risk sex, you don’t have to request the body fat calculation. I wanted to know because sometimes you need to see the truth in cold, unforgiving math so your inner swine can no longer lull you into apathy with delusion. Mike and Angela can tell you exactly how and what to eat for your specific body type and goals. They can customize workouts for your goals, regardless if they are to put on 30lbs of lean muscle mass, or run a 5K in under 20 minutes. If you want to go from couch potato to just being able to finish a 5K, they can do that. They can even drill down to the specificity of “Do you want to increase your sex drive?” I think they’ll even come over to your house and throw all the processed pig feed out of your pantry and tell you what you should buy. There are no limits to what Mike and Angela can help you to realize for yourself. Like any nutrition and fitness plan which actually works, you yourself have to, um, work. If you want magic pills and to simply wake up one morning leaner and faster, then I’d probably steer you towards the Internet. If you want to become and remain leaner, learn what your own body responds best to, while also maximizing athletic performance, then I can recommend no better persons than Mike and Angela at Fast and Fit Coaching LLC.

I hate to break it to your garden variety pig, but there is no pill or gimmicky “7 Minute Abs” (Seven chipmunks, swingin’ on a branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. Seven man!) program that is going to achieve long-term success in fat reduction or overall fitness. There is a distinct possibility such options will in fact lead to diminished health. The Fast and Fit Coaching LLC team is not about poor health or unsustainable crash programs. They are about helping people discover their own will to be both fit on the inside and out. They have every answer, they can prescribe any plan. In the end the onus is on the individual to see it through to fruition. As much as that may fucking well suck it is the cold hard truth. If you are swine and know you will never have the will to kill your pig, then oink oink my good man, this Value Meal’s for you! Those who have the will but are lost in the sea of shite and want the righteous path that leads to inner salvation and outward dominance can put their faith unequivocally in Fast and Fit Coaching LLC. I did the latter at the end of this past summer and the results were astonishing. My body fat melted, my daily hour-by-hour energy levels spiked, and I felt better about the plight of African refugee children, in a matter of one month. I was challenging vagrants to bare-chested wrestling matches and screaming at the moon. I started to look like Tom Brady. The short, square, bald, poor version who does not wear Uggs, but still kinda like Tom Brady. It was entirely au natural. Mike does sell some standard supplements and I waved money in front of his face like a drunk sailor in a Bangkok boom-boom bar. He told me I probably didn’t need anything at this point and just go home and start executing the workout and nutrition plan we’d discussed. What kind of shitty drug dealer is this? The kind who doesn’t blow smoke up your fat ass, that’s who. If you want to find a gym to pay your monthly fee and go fuck around on an elliptical machine while you read magazines, talk on your cell phone, or watch TV shows on your iPad so you can tell people you “work out” then by all means, go get it. You want to do your standard meathead chest and biceps workout that hasn’t changed or produced results in 12 years? I won’t stand in your way. For those of you who, like me, are seeking the truth and want your Google search to produce only one perfect hit capable of answering all your questions, try Fast & Fit Coaching LLC. I can make you one guarantee: If disappointed you are, only in yourself will the disappointment be.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose”—Yoda

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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