Got the fantasy football draft party deets on lock down bitches! This is going to be like infinity cooler than last year when we got to the private party room at Applebee’s only to find it had already been rented out to a bunch of dudes for their Dungeons & Dragons draft and we had to do it in the corner behind the bar (Again sorry about that, honest error on my part and now when I Bluetooth a voice command to my iPhone calendar app I double-check the calendar afterward). Bullshit those dudes wouldn’t let us crash their D&D draft party though, they had a sick wing and jalapeno popper spread. This year we be goin’ to The Tilted Kilt! Booyahz! If there is one thing we love as much as a fantasy world created as a layer on top of the second-hand sports we already watch but don’t actually participate in, its white trash chicks with bills to pay and titty tattoos pretending they might fuck us if they just didn’t have to pull a double today. Man I can’t wait! My nephew Luke is in the Audio/Visual club in high school and has permission to borrow an emcee system and will be announcing the draft so we make this shit authentic like we’re at Madison Square Garden and not The Tilted Kilt in the strip mall on Jefferson and Oak. Do you guys like watery, flavorless beer served from headache inducing pump draft? Me too. Our own keg of Miller mutherfucking Lite customized with our own fantasy league logo. What is our fantasy league logo? A badass fucking dragon spitting fire, that’s what. I made it with my son’s Knights and Dragons stencil set but the wing separators on the stencil are both torn so to be honest it looks like a cobra puking with a cloud behind it. But still pretty fucking cool? Just in case anyone gets hungry (Hah! Who doesn’t get hungry after pounding Miller Lite’s in a strip mall…..) I’ve got a serious party spread ordered. Chips, check. Mozzarella sticks, check. Wings, duh, check. Mini club sandwiches, check. Pepsi for Mike due to the little glug-glug, vroom-vroom, crash-crash incident that resulted in a stint in rehizzle this summer, check. I tried to get pizzas but they said we had to commit to six large and I was concerned we couldn’t eat that much pizza what with a full chip spread as an app. So no pizzas. But if you really get a stiff on for pizza there is a Papa John’s in the strip mall. You’ll of course have to eat the pizza at Papa John’s or outside because they won’t let you bring Papa John’s into The Tilted Kilt. Total bullshit but it is what it is. Oh wait, did I mention Tilted Onion Stack? TILTED ONION STACK, CHECK MATE. This is going to be the premier party of Labor Day Weekend 2014. My wife and kids are going to a lake house owned by some d-bag guy my wife works with. He has a speed boat and some jet skis and is Italian and lifts weights all the time and zzzzzzzz, sounds fucking lame as shit to me. We’re going to rock the socks off that party all night long. Well until 6pm, we only have the room rented until 6pm. But after we can totally get another table at The Tilted Kilt if any of you other bros’ families are spending the weekend at some Italian dude’s lake house and wanna party and watch some late season baseball on the big screens until we have to leave at 11pm. This Titled Kilt closes early because of zoning laws affecting the strip mall. It doesn’t matter. We’ll be full of Miller Lite with the ill-fitting jerseys of large African-American males on our backs, the world is our oyster. And if anyone responds saying they have to check in remotely via Bluetooth because of some queer-assed family obligation, guess what pussy? You draft last. Don’t worry though, I’m sure the Cleveland Browns second wide receiver will score you a ton of points. Oh, and just to save everyone whispering to me on Saturday “Who is the little Indian guy you brought with you?”, his name is Sunil. Works in programming at my office. Fucking stud at spreadsheets. You’ll be glad he’s there.
I’ll see you fuckers on Saturday. I hope those Dungeons & Dragons nerds are there, I’ll tell them that only dorks play fantasy Middle Ages while the real men play fantasy SPORTS. I wish I would’ve thought of that last year when they told us we couldn’t hang out in their party room, but I was too pissed.