Chicagoans Who Contribute Nothing to the Blizzard Clean-Up Efforts Should Keep Bitching About it

The most productive and reasonable place to bitch about how other people are doing their jobs is from inside your own well-heated house or condo. It was a big goddamned blizzard, what exactly in the fuck do you want? People were out all day before the blizzard. They were out at night during the blizzard. They worked through the entire night as the blizzard raged its tits off. They’ve been working ever since. These people were trudging through thigh-high snow and at times 70mph winds to clear your streets, return your power, keep your fat lazy white asses happy. Shit happens. Hard to “work faster” when you’ve got wind-blown powder clogging every function of your existence. This isn’t like Hurricane Katrina when GW/Cheney and their assclown evil posse didn’t even make a best-efforts attempt at helping anyone (possibly because they were all brown, had no money, and didn’t vote). They worked their asses off and continue to do so. “But the city was not prepared! Waaahhhh!”. Do you know why the city was not prepared? Because a blizzard of this magnitude happens on average about once every 20 years. Why the fuck would they be prepared? The state and the city have massive budget deficits, so why would they set aside extra money for something that never happens? And unless there is a Big-Assed Fuck You Thundersnow Blizzard Force Field we can put around the entire city, what exactly do you do to prevent this? What do you do to mitigate the damage, beyond running snow plows 24 hr/day, every fucking day? What more do you want? Should they deliver cookies and beer to your family while they plow? The warnings were not only abundant, but could be easily deciphered by any mildly-retarded 3rd grader: You Are About To Get A Shitstorm Straight Up Your Asshole, Stay The Fuck Inside. The television, the radio, the Internet and the print media were all agreeing that you should take cover ASAP and not come out until well after its over. So what do people do? They go outside and drive around even though they have nothing important to do and are sorry sacks of shit whose lives are worth dick. Then they whine like little bitches when Superman doesn’t show up 20 seconds later to bail them out of their own stupidity. People bitching about how the city handled the “rescue” of motorists stranded during the Lake Shore Drive shutdown should be lined up and marched at gunpoint off a pier into frozen Lake Michigan. LSD was a clusterfuck of snow and wrecked vehicles, so they shut it down. You were stupid enough to be driving to begin with. Secondly the city said loud and clear to stay away from the lake at all costs. So you are driving 50 feet from the lake. Fucking genius. Does the city have an abandoned warehouse on LSD, chock full of snowmobiles and a special swat team, coked up and waiting for the moment when an historic blizzard shuts down the drive and strands motorists? You got rescued, eventually. No one was hurt, other than some massive vaginal hemorrhaging from whiners. People acted like they were stranded on a one-lane road at 17,000 feet in the Himalayas. For those not familiar with the topography of downtown Chicago, LSD borders the entire lake front population of Chicago. If you don’t like being stuck in your car during a blizzard, try this high-risk escape route: Open your car door; walk 50 feet across the snow on a road that is closed to vehicle traffic because of the blizzard; walk 30 feet across Inner Lake Shore Drive; walk into a bar; walk into a restaurant; walk into a Starbucks; knock on someone’s door; call a relative; fucking walk home; lay down on the ground shit yourself to death. It wasn’t snowing arrows or bullets or gasoline and torches….it was snowing snow. Zip up your jacket, tie your booties tight, and walk like your forefathers would have. If that doesn’t appeal to your lazy ass, then don’t bitch when someone “rescues” you. Even worse are the assholes who neither rescued any one, nor were stranded, but rather complaining about the rescue effort they were not in any way a part of. What the fuck do you care? No one calls you up at your job as housewife and tells you how to watch Oprah. And finally, the fucktards saying Mayor Daley “wasn’t visible enough during the storm”. Fucking laughable, mein! Do you think Daley works the switchboard at snowplow central command? Do you think Daley flies over LSD in a special Thundersnow-retardant helicopter, directing the rescue effort? Daley was knee-deep in rare steak, rarer wine, cocaine and Ukrainian hookers during that blizzard. And if you don’t like it, then become Richard M. Daley yourself and do whatever you want. Dick Daley does what what he likes and Dick Daley likes what he do. So go make yourself visible right in front of a CTA train, and die.
I say bravo to all who participated in the clean up and rescue efforts as I sat in my heated condo and watched safely from the window. Everyone else can kiss your hairy fucking beanbag.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Chicagoans Who Contribute Nothing to the Blizzard Clean-Up Efforts Should Keep Bitching About it

  1. Anonymous says:

    Didn't you know that fat, middle-aged housewives who have bitched their spineless husbands into submission are typically the most reliable subject matter experts when situations such as this arise. Their advice should be heeded with the utmost haste, as I can think of no demographic more qualified to pull us back from the brink of such a catastrophic collapse of society as we know it.

  2. ZSG says:

    Excellent point. Viva Oprah!

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