Can Charlie Sheen get any Awesomer???

If you are anywhere….a party, a bar, at work, at the ball game, at church, at a bar mitzvah, at your grandma’s house for Easter dinner, anywhere….and someone tells you that “Charlie Sheen is out of control and needs help”….don’t think about it for one second. Respond immediately by kicking that person directly in their dick and then drive a stake right into the middle of their heart. Because obviously they’re dead and you need to take steps to make sure they aren’t also a vampire. King Kong ain’t got shit on Charlie Sheen! Chuck is up to his tits in liquor, coke, pills, hookers, yachts and porn stars. What the fuck does he need help with? His fucking taxes? The only help he needs is maybe an extra dick or two to occupy all this trim he rolls with. The news media is about to implode with sanctimonious bullshit over this non-issue. Who cares? Charlie looks pretty goddamned happy to me, not sure some boring assed rehab and a steady relationship with a “nice” girl is really what he’s looking for. Charlie likes to drink vodka. Charlie likes to eat pills. Charlie likes to bang pros. Charlie likes to trash hotel rooms. And Charlie likes to get an up-close smell of Bolivian Marching Dust. If you don’t like it, that is your problem–not Charlie’s. You are up at 4:30 in the morning, at your desk high-stress slaving at 6:00, and probably don’t get home until 7:00 p.m. Charlie is at an unknown location in the Caribbean on a rented yacht. He’s got 1/2 a hollowed-out Bic pen in one hand, a glass of Grey Goose in the other, and Vivid Video’s tart du jour bouncing up and down naked on his rod. So please explain to me just how in the fuck you are winning in this particular game? You ever see that Michael Jordan poster where he is about to dunk the shit out of the ball, right over top of a white-as-hell Jack Sikma of the Milwaukee Bucks who has a “Oh jeez, black man jump high” look on his Chevy Chase? That is what Charlie is doing to the world right now. He doesn’t give one fuck what you or anyone else thinks about it. At one point during his tirade on a radio call-in show, he referred to Thomas Jefferson as a “Pussy”. Why? I haven’t a fucking clue, but he did it. The current score is Charlie Sheen 123, Us 0. Go Charlie, GO!!! If I tried to hang out with Sheen at this point, my life span would be measured in hours rather than years or days.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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2 Responses to Can Charlie Sheen get any Awesomer???

  1. Anonymous says:

    Can't argue with any of that. Another thing to marvel at is Sheen's longevity…people raved about Cal Ripken's streak, Darrell Green playing into his 40's, etc. but Sheen's stamina is far more impressive.

    When he finally does flame out, the media will tell his story as a sad tale where he destroyed himself.


  2. Anonymous says:

    I found this website that proves your point: – check it out.

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