Business Talk (Calling all MBA’s)

Since this is going to be a strictly business discussion, on both the academic and operational sides, the ladies can go ahead and stop reading since they obviously have no business acumen and besides have laundry and US Weekly magazines to attend to (JOKING, except as concerns my pal A.G……I saw those pictures of your ironing project ;) [Really, you iron fucking flannel shirts for dudes? a) what dude wants his flannel shirt ironed {obviously the creepy one you’re married to} and b) 1954 is over. Put the iron down, grab the bottle of wine, and put yourself to sleep). I do not have an MBA, so I’m going to need some help from those who do as I will be speaking purely out of experience, which as we all know is not anywhere near as valuable as listening to lectures from someone with no business experience, but who can draw bitchin’ graphs, properly use made up bullshit words like “synergies”, and knows that in the real world everything occurs “ceteris paribus”. If we work together we can maybe answer my conundrum.

For our discussion we are going to use the real-world example of XYZ Corp, doing business in the distribution of hardcore eastern European pornography. Not really. XYZ Corp does something businessy, the type of businessishness which results in having lots of clients or customers. Some really really big and important, others miserable pikers who should probably be taking their $400 dollars and betting it on black rather than spreading the stink of their own failure on the employees of XYZ merely through phone osmosis. The question lies in how XYZ should handle the servicing of these clients as a whole to maximize profitability and best utilize limited human resources. There are basically two approaches to this:

1) XYZ runs queries on their entire client base. Macros, some other nerd shit like that, whatever gets the job done. 23-year-old Cody who just graduated from college and is starting his first real job where he is going to be a somebody and make a big difference in the world is handed an electronic list of a billion clients and told “Run macros on this until your idealistic soul dies, fucker.” What Cody eventually produces is data that filters out all clients who have been doing business with XYZ in name only for a period of, say, one or more years, either barely pays XYZ anything or actually pays them absolutely nothing, who also contact XYZ frequently with middling, bumble-fuck issues that are meaningless to XYZ, the business at hand, or the world at large. These are people who want Dom Perignon service at Milwaukee’s Best Ice prices. In reality these are the very clients who monopolize more than 90% of XYZ’s human resources. Given this set of clients is responsible for tying up 90+% of XYZ’s resources while contributing less than 0.5% to the Corp’s bottom line, they are all sent a letter,

“Dear Shitheel,

It has been quite a ride. Like all great rides, this one has reached its terminus. You are a worthless, whiny, borderline sociopathic asshole and we no longer wish to associate with you in any way. Best of luck going forward and we sincerely hope you make it out of your mom’s house someday. That said, take your gold-brickin’, piker fucking ass to the riverboat, buy a pack of smokes, plop down in front of the nearest, loudest slot machine, and just start feedin’ it what little remains of your sad, broken dreams.

Regards,

XZY Corp”

After this process is complete, XYZ’s resources are now free to devote entirely to the 10% or so of its clients who make up 99% of the profits. Those people start to feel like the Sultan of Oman, they commence transacting even more business with XYZ and they are so goddamned happy with the servicing they are receiving, not the end of a busy night veteran hooker just going through the motions, but the young girl fresh off the farm who just needs to pay April’s rent so she can get her acting career off the ground, hungry servicing, that they start bringing in their high-class play friends in droves. As a result of this move the clients who matter are much happier and XYZ’s revenues are increasing.

2) Nothing changes in this approach, as far as details are concerned. However XYZ handles their clients in a much different manner. They focus 90% of their limited resources servicing clients who are complete and utter fucking pikers who as previously stated contribute approximately 0.5% to XYZ’s bottom line. They allow these people to tie up their phone lines and other means of electronic communications each and every day to repeat the same fucking question into a miserable cold grave and request you hold their dick for them while they piss, despite the fact you’ve provided manuals, online tutorial videos, and actually held their dick for them while they piss numerous times while instructing them how to hold their own dick the next time. While you are coddling these vagrants the client base who contributes 99% of the profits to XYZ are left waiting, fuming, and searching for other companies who treat a big swinging dick in the manner to which they are accustomed and deserve. And once the human resources are able to address the issues and requests of the big swinging dicks, they’ve already exhausted every last drop of energy, dignity and goodwill they may have formerly possessed while playing a game of sandpaper gloves circle-jerk with the fucktards who just want somebody to talk to or a pen pal because their life isn’t worth a squirt of piss.

As noted above I don’t have an MBA, but I think this question is incredibly obvious and easy to answer: #2 is the most efficient and profitable way to run a business. Does anyone disagree? This is in fact the way that XYZ runs their business in real life, and given that XYZ is large and run by businessy people, then it has to be the right way. Business people, especially those at the top of large businesses, are not wrong in business-related matters, or really about anything. The fact that I was hesitant for a hot second about which approach is best is likely a direct result of my lack of MBA. In fact it might be worth the $100K to get one so that I don’t have to doubt ever again my absolutely rightness in all matters and decisions. That is the greatest part of owning an MBA; you are never wrong about anything in your life again because there is a “ceteris paribus” graph which will clearly show that while you may not be exactly right, you certainly aren’t exactly wrong either.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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