BREAKING NEWS: We Got Bin Laden!!!

Oh wait, no we didn’t. My bad. He is still kicking it in a cave in Peshwar, balls-deep in virgins, washing down fresh opium with some tea you’ve never even heard of. There is a silver lining to this cloud however, which is:

Since Bin Laden and his associates took full responsibility for the master-minding and financial support of the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks, the United States has…..
-Had a full meltdown of our stock market
-Obliterated parts of Afghanistan, which were already fucked to begin with
-Made up an utterly and completely horseshit story about Iraq. We used to party with Iraq, but they quit following orders and someone needed to pay for thinking independently
-Used the horseshit story to launch a multi-billion dollar terrorist attack of our own against a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, killing scores of their completely innocent non-combatant civilians
-Tested out some pretty neat weapons of mass destruction on the innocent civilians of the country we were punishing for supposedly having weapons of mass destruction
-Showed that Colin Powell was one of the only people in the American government with a shred of honor
-Killed a bunch of fucking people NOT named Osama bin Laden
-Had the effects of trying to support two separate occupying forces ultimately lead to our economy collapsing
-Even though he was one of the only people with big enough balls to call bullshit on the wars in the first place, we blamed the black guy for the wars and bailing out the banks that were already bailed out before he ever set foot in the White House
-Turned Iraq from a country where a terrorist would be summarily executed if he stopped to take a piss in the desert there; to a country that is now the MTV Spring Break Cancun of international terrorism
-Spent combined more than 1 trillion dollars to completely re-fuck two countries that were already well-fucked to begin with
So obviously we fell into a pile of shit and came out smelling like roses. The really awesome part is that I guarangoddamntee you that if 2 days after 9/11 the U.S. had sent 2 dozen of our best special forces Navy Seal kill-you-twice-before-you-know-you’re-dead badasses to Afghanistan with a blank check to sign over to some local Afghan poppy-field baron warlords, Osama would have been all kinds of dead a fortnight later. I bet it wouldn’t have exceeded 250 million bucks, tops. But no, we’d prefer to handle it the Texas way and spend all sorts of money to still fail. So here’s to you Osama bin Fuckface, you orchestrated one of the most successful attacks in the history of earth from a fuckin’ cave on the other side of the planet. Colonel Kurtz could have used a man like you in ‘Nam.

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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One Response to BREAKING NEWS: We Got Bin Laden!!!

  1. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like you haven't read Bush's new book. WHY DO YOU HATE AMURRICA

    NP

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