Blue Pill or Red Pill?

So I’m trying to legitimize this pig by moving over to a URL, which I’ve now procured.  Wait until you get a load of the domain name, a blockbuster of epic proportions.  On the recommendation of a friend I’m currently scanning “Word Press Themes”.  After scanning about 150 of these fuckers, I came to a bit of an epiphany…..I have no earthly fucking clue what Word Press is, and I sure as shit don’t know what a theme is all about.  So I do what any razor-sharp Internet baron does, I Google-searched “What is a Word Press Theme”.  Christ on a fucking bike.  If I’m not in the Matrix, then I don’t know who the fuck is.  These explanatory web sites are popping off at the mouth about overlaying “graphical interfaces”, “underlying unifying design”, “customized template files”, and “skinning my weblog”.  Fuck. Right. Off.  Skinning my weblog.  Listen here nerd, I know a little bit about skinning my log, and it has nothing to do with the fucking Internet.  Well, I take that back, since about ’96 it has had everything to do with the Internet.  But go fuck yourself just the same.  How deep does the rabbit hole have to go?  I feel like comets and asteroids and math equations are flying past my head at light speed and I’m all like:  ”WHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH   BRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”  Can we slow shit down for just a hot second and get a nerd over to my living quarters, post haste?  I bought the goddamn domain name, and to my horror I find out I’ve got to go take C++ at the local community college and watch “Tron” like 20 times before I can proceed with using it.  Of all the kicks in the balls.  All I want is for some web’ish person to come over to my crib and build this shit, pro bono.  I know exactly how I want it to appear: Like Bitchin’ and Badass banged out and had a kid, and that kid snorted about 6 lines of Fuck Yeah, then started grinding on chicks at a club.  And the chicks are vampires.  But not goth weirdo vampires, rather hot sexy vampires ala Kate Beckinsale in “Underworld”.  Is that too much to ask goddamn it???  So if anyone is looking for me this week I’ll be in my condo throwing a computer around like Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller in “Zoolander”.  And to sweeten the deal I’ve got a new Mac that I haven’t the foggiest how to use and have made zero effort to learn.  At least a sleep-depriving 5 month old baby doesn’t also live in my condo.  Oh wait, shit.    

About Zach

Male homo sapien. Warrior poet. I live in Chicago with one wife, one offspring, and Scout the dog. I enjoy various stuff. Besides skinny skiing and going to bullfights on acid, I also enjoy running, reading, drinking, eating and procrastinating on many things, such as starting this blog. I have a mom, a dad, and a younger brother who recently produced a sister-in-law. I'm the only person in my family, sister-in-law included, who doesn't have a post-graduate degree. I guess that makes me special. I grew up in a small to medium sized town in the middle of Ohio. In fact the even smaller town next door has a sign which reads "The Geographic Center of Ohio". Given this is what they choose to boast you can only imagine how exciting that town is. My town is infinitely cooler. For example on weekend nights people from my town and the surrounding villages and hamlets converge on the public square to "cruise" in their souped-up mini trucks, some bearing Confederate flags, despite growing up and living rather safely north of the Mason-Dixon line. This is high-minded stuff we're talking about here. I graduated sometime during the Clinton presidency from the local high school where I played football and participated in absolutely nothing else. This strategy paid huge dividends when I applied to numerous colleges on the eastern seaboard which were highly selective. When you show up to the admissions table with "HIgh School Football and Nothing Else" on your application, you get respect. After graduating from Ohio University with a degree in Economics that I've used for absolutely nothing, I moved to Boston. Boston is a lovely city. I was doing things I'm not proud of for beer money and I left after 16 months. My next move was to Chicago and 10+ years later there I still reside. I write this blog for therapeutic reasons. Much like some people paint to relax or smoke crack to unwind after a stressful day, I record my thoughts on Al Gore's World Wide Web for 9 friends, 4 family members, 1 person who accidentally clicked through after an unsuccessful Google search for something else, and a guy named Patriot1 who lives in a silver Air Stream in the Nevada desert and broadcasts his own radio show. Is there a point to all of this? I doubt it. Years ago and in a galaxy far, far away (College Park, Maryland, then Athens, Ohio) I was toying with the idea of being a journalism major. I enjoyed writing so it seemed the obvious fit. Then I attended career day and learned that journalism majors could look forward to a salary of $EA,TSH.IT per year with the promise of a fatal heart attack at 47 years of age. I'm not falling for that trick, I told them (them being no one, and told being saying it in my own mind in the shower). Approximately 15 years later here I sit declared the big winner in that battle: I never made any money doing anything else and now I'm writing entirely for free. So suck balls, journalism career day. The views expressed in this website are mine and mine entirely. I don't wish to be an even bigger black eye to my family than I probably already am. As a result of this I will never be able to run for public office and I accept that reality. But this website is a very dignified, well-dressed skeleton full of witty retorts and honorable deeds compared to the disheveled, stenching, staggering and loud skeletons who would come marching out of the closet to White Zombie's "Thunderkiss '65" if they ever unearthed the college years. So enjoy your train ride, your hangover day at work, your AA meeting or your dump. I'm here to serve.
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3 Responses to Blue Pill or Red Pill?

  1. Anonymous says:

    Just call me, my nerd skillz will guide your abacus using ass through this process.

  2. Ame says:

    Hey, all kidding aside, Aaron builds wordpress blogs as his job. So if you want, he'll do it for you. Message me or call him – my cell is lost somewhere so don't call me.

  3. Dustin says:

    looks like the quest for a wp theme has thwarted all blogging effort moving forward…

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